This Man Must Be Stopped

The mostest wonderfulest time of the year!

2010-11-16T11:25:00.001-06:00

Gather 'round, kids, and let your Uncle Bart tell you about the magic of the holiday season. This is your Uncle Bart's favorite time of year. Who can guess why?

"To celebrate the birth of Our Lord?"

Um... no. That part's great and all, don't get me wrong, but no.

"To spend time with family?"

Wow. Were you intentionally trying to get that wrong? No. Because you know what's worse than seeing your family? Pretending that you're having a good time. And that's what you have to do during the holidays. Are you the one that was dropped on your head as a baby? Well, I guess you wouldn't remember. Anyway, no. Next.

"Because of the presents?"

Mmm, close. You're clearly the brightest of my nieces, nephews, and assorted demi-relations here today. Because that is close. Not quite there, but close.

Any other guesses? No? Is everyone here destined to end up in junior college? OK, I'll tell you. I love this time of year because when you buy booze, you get an extra gift. Yes, it's a present, but not from some clueless relation. It's like a present from one of your closest friends, who knows you better than anyone. You're like, "Oh, Tullamore Dew, you shouldn't have! How did you know I needed a decanter?" Or, "Gee, Knob Creek, I've been wanting a flask with your name on it! Now I can take your delicious taste wherever I go!" Or, "Gentleman Jack, those martini glasses will be perfect for serving a variety of drinks. You're the best!"

I mean seriously, what did you little punks get me for Christmas? A fridge magnet? A mixed CD that you burned 30 copies of? Ask yourself this: did you get me ANYTHING that is anywhere as good as any of my free holiday booze presents? No? Well next year, take a clue from my friends Tully, Creek and Jack and get me something GOOD. And if you need your parents to chip in for the cost, that's OK too. It just shows you love your Uncle Bart.

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In all seriousness, I dragged Mrs. Bart to a mega-liquor store last weekend just to look at the holiday gift packs. Between my love of free gifts and my love of swag, each year I'm giddy when these gift packs show up and sad when they leave. Mrs. Bart pointed out that we're all good on glass-ware (branded or not), so I got the Knob Creek + flask gift pack. Score.

Street Justice

2010-11-11T21:53:00.001-06:00

Literally.

Federal Bureau of Manners: The Nod from Larry Miller

10 Minutes to Lie

2010-10-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Alyssa Milano and other celebrities would have you believe it only takes 10 minutes to vote:

10 Minutes from Alyssa Milano

Even leaving out transit time, it took me over an hour to vote, and I voted early. I've voted on election day before and it was a total nightmare.

Ever year I swear that next time I'll request an absentee ballot. Maybe next time I'll remember.

Until next time, remember: Alyssa Milano is a liar.

Also, I was pissed off that Eric McCormack was telling me how to vote because he's Canadian, until I read that he also has US citizenship. So I'm only half pissed.

Thanks, Robo Chicky

2010-10-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

After seeing the Robot Chicken guys do a panel at this year's Star Wars Celebration, I decided it was time for me to catch up on the show. One of my favorite bits so far:

I love the transition from happy skipping / singing to full-on shrieking.

Nagging question answered

2010-10-21T20:37:00.001-05:00

I hate unanswered questions - they tend to stick around in my head. So it's nice when one gets answered.

About 2.5 years ago, Mrs. Bart and I were in California for one of my famous hybrid work / leisure trips. She popped into a Trader Joe's to buy an enormous container of blackberries. I still remember how good they were - they were cheap and from Mexico, and absolutely perfect.

After parking the car I went into TJ's to find Mrs. Bart, and there was a song playing on the store's speaker system. It wasn't loud, but it was distinctive and the melody stuck in my head. I knew I'd heard it before, but I simply couldn't put a name to it. I also hadn't heard a sufficiently long string of lyrics to piece it together with a Google search.

Every now and then this song popped up again in my head, but I was no closer to figuring out what it was. UNTIL TONIGHT.

I rarely watch broadcast TV, but I was tonight, and a commercial came on. About 3 seconds into it, I was like, holy crap, that's the song! There was no doubt in my mind. Plus, I heard enough of the lyrics so that I could do a Google search and figure out what the song was.

And the winner is...

...from 1971, "Brand New Key" by Melanie!

Yeah, I was stumped by an early 70s novelty song. However embarrassed you may be for me, trust me, I'm more embarrassed.

But the good news is, that's one nagging question answered.

A Bart original animated short

2010-09-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

Be forewarned: there is bad news about Frank.

iPhone photo editing & gourmet burgers

2010-09-28T22:16:00.001-05:00

I was enjoying a burger at the Twisted Root for lunch on Sunday (because there's nothing like going to Quaker church and then paying $14 for a hamburger and fried green beans) when I saw this poster hanging in the restaurant:

I thought it was a really neat design, but I also thought that, given the faux-weathered look of the Twisted Root, they might enjoy a more weathered-looking poster. So, iPhone photo editing software to the rescue!

Improvement? Detriment? I dunno. The coolness still shines through, it's just less... legible. And clean looking. Actually if I was sitting next to a poster that had naturally become this dirty, I would not want to eat in whatever restaurant I happened to be in.

So remember, kids, be sure to stop by Twisted Root for "Chickity Check Yo'self B4 U Wreck Yo'Self Saturday Nights". If only they sold chicken sandwiches, that would be perfect.

New Punctuation Mark

2010-07-26T15:51:00.001-05:00

Have you ever answered a question hesitantly, only to have some smartass ask, "Was that a question or a statement?" This happened to me the other day, although fortunately I was both the person making the semi-question / statement, and the person asking what the hell I had just said. Being your own critic is a pretty efficient setup.

Well, I decided right then that what the English language needed was a new punctuation mark for just such an occasion. If you see this new punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, you'll know that the preceding sentence was neither a question or a statement. It was both!

You might ask how this works in spoken form. This is where that pesky "question or statement?" question tends to come up. The good news is it's a self-regulating system. Once the existence of the "quatement" punctuation mark becomes common knowledge, people will no longer ask if you just made a statement or asked a question. If they can't tell one way or the other, they'll just assume you made a "quatement". Creating a gray area makes asking whether everything is black or white unnecessary.

A note about the word "quatement" - I made it up as I was writing this article, as the logical combination of the words question and statement. I did a quick Google search for the term, and found 1,510 references to this word in web pages written in English. So maybe I'm not completely original, but I'm not borrowing other peoples' ideas, either. As far as I can tell, however, none of the other pages is suggesting new punctuation.

As far as the design of the new punctuation mark, that's where I've hit a bump. I'm an idea guy, but I'm no graphic designer. My best idea so far is a backwards "S" over a period. Or maybe, since I'm calling this kind of speech a quatement, a lowercase "q" raised up over a period. That way it looks like the thing it's a symbol for, and it looks a little like a backwards question mark combined with an exclamation mark. Anyone else who's good with symbols (except Dan Brown) is welcome to submit an idea. Since there's no standard form on the keyboard for the quatement punctuation mark, I'll just write it "q."

If you want to read about other ill-conceived ideas of mine, you should check out the rest of my blog q.

Annapolis 4th of July

2010-07-11T14:29:00.001-05:00

I spent July 4 in Annapolis this year, and I have to say they put on a pretty good parade. I'll post a picture montage later, but I took a video of the fife & drum corps that I wanted to share:

Bart's Signature Move is Back!

2010-06-26T23:09:00.000-05:00

Remember my "signature move"? Well, just in time for summer, it's back. I recently saw it imitated in two places. As proof, here are the videos:

I don't know if seeing "the move" in more than one place bolsters my argument that it's a real thing and not a product of my fevered imagination, but it can't hurt.

A memo to would-be BP boycotters

2010-06-22T22:17:00.000-05:00

Hello out there, blog readers. I know you're upset about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and think that boycotting BP is a kick-ass way to do something about it. Today I'm going to do three things: first, I'm going to point out why your idea is stupid. Second, I'm going to point out why your idea won't work. Third, and most importantly, I'm going to tell you how the oil industry actually works.

Part 1: Why your idea is stupid.

"Those bastards," you think. "They need to be punished. I should never buy any gas from BP again." Well, that's stupid. For all you left-wingers out there, boycotting BP is stupid because remember how BP is responsible for all the costs of the clean-up? Well, BP needs to be an ongoing concern if you're going to extort the maximum amount of money from them. Otherwise they can't pay. At a minimum, they need to stay alive just long enough to extract the maximum amount of money possible. I'm thinking 10 years.

For any right-wingers who might be thinking that a boycott is the way to go, consider this: BP employs a shit-load of Americans. We need as many employed Americans as possible. Let's be outraged on our own time. Your fellow Americans need to get paid.

Semi-unrelated point: remember a few years ago when gas prices were really high, and someone said hey, if no one bought gas for one day, all oil companies would lower gas prices! Remember how well that worked?

Part 2: Why your idea won't work.

So you think that not buying gas at your local BP station is going to hurt BP the company. So you roll past the BP station, and pull into the local am/pm convenience store and fill up and buy a soda. Bad news: you just bought gas at a station that sells BP gas. They just call it something else. If you're seriously going to boycott a company, you have to research all the wholly- and partially-owned subsidiaries and boycott them too. Most boycott-types don't have that kind of attention span.

Anyone that flies is probably going to ride on a jet that's fueled by BP aviation fuel at some point. You don't choose who supplies an airport with av-gas. And if you call airports and airlines and request that they not use BP av-gas, they're going to tell you that you're nuts. They don't want to increase their fuel costs, and refusing to patronize one of the major industry players is certainly going to increase costs. (Economics: same demand for a smaller supply = higher costs.)

Part 3: How the oil industry works.

If you think not going to a BP branded gas station is going to hurt BP, you don't understand how the oil industry works. Here's a primer from a guy who's seen it from the inside. Or, from the outside, but really close to the inside, looking inside.

A) Extraction. The first step in making gasoline is extracting crude oil. There are a lot of companies that do this - there are big names like Chevron, Shell, and BP, but there's also smaller players. Like in 'There Will be Blood', you can have family-owned oil producers.

Here's an interesting fact: the cost to extract crude oil from the ground (or ocean floor) is the largest single factor that determines the price you pay at the pump. Interesting corollary: when the price of crude oil goes up, domestic oil exploration and drilling increases. That's because oil fields which were previously too expensive to drill (either because of the types of equipment needed, or because of the rate of production, or both) are suddenly affordable. So when the price of oil went way up a few years ago, I wasn't pleased about what I was paying at the pump, but suddenly I had family members making good money working in the oil business.

B) Refining. At the refinery, oil is turned from crude into gasoline. Refineries are typically owned by a big oil company: your Chevrons, Shells, BP, Citgo, Valero, etc. Refiners buy crude oil from producers. Interesting fact about refineries: you can't just take any crude oil, put it in any refinery, and expect gasoline to come out the other end. Each refinery is built to process a specific kind of crude oil, whether it's light sweet crude from West Texas, or nasty tarry shit. So let's say this moratorium on new Gulf of Mexico drilling goes through. There will be refineries up and down the coast that will cut back their production because they don't have sufficient input. And the odds are that there isn't a good replacement product that can be purchased, at least not on short order.

So, to recap thus far, let's say that Pa Kettle Drillers has produced oil from one of their fields, and sold it to a Valero-owned refinery. Valero takes the crude and creates, among other things, raw gasoline.

A word about raw gasoline. In a perfect / sane world, every refinery's output of raw gasoline would be chemically identical to every other refinery's output. Unfortunately, we live in a world (or at least a country) where some states (cough, cough, California) can determine that the fuel sold in their state needs to have special formulations. Which sounds great unless you live in Needles, California. When you buy gas in Needles, it's gas that was trucked in from Los Angeles at great expense (which jacks up the price at the pump). If California didn't have their own crazy rules, that gas could be trucked in from a terminal in Las Vegas for a lot less money.

C) The Terminal. The refinery produces raw gasoline. I saw "raw" because you would not want to put that shit in your car. At least not if you like your car. No, the stuff we think of as gasoline has been massaged so that it burns cleaner and leaves less gunk in your car. Wherever gas companies (Chevron, Shell, etc.) want to move their branded product, they own a terminal facility. At the terminal they receive shipments of raw gasoline from refiners, and add in detergents, Techron, what have you, to make it their own unique product. The terminal stage is the one part of the fuel chain where you can be sure that a particular gas company is involved. So if you're buying gas at a Chevron station, the only place in the food chain that you can guarantee Chevron was involved is in the adding of detergents to raw gasoline at their terminal.

Taking our example out another step, Pa Kettle drills the oil, Valero refines it, and then sells the raw gas to BP. BP transports the gas to their terminal, where they add in their proprietary ingredients to make it BP-brand gasoline.

D) Transportation. You don't have a fuel terminal in every town - one terminal can serve a large area. So, any gas station that's going to be supplied by that terminal has to get their gas trucked in. Some gas station owners have their own trucks (these are known as jobbers). They send out their trucks to the terminal, fill 'em up, and drive them to the gas station to unload. Other gas station owners contract with third party delivery services to bring the fuel to them (these are known as shippers). It is very rare that a truck owned by the gas company would take gas out to their branded stations. VERY rare.

Let's extend out example yet again. Pa Kettle's crude gets fed into the Valero refinery, which gets delivered to the BP terminal, where it is processed. Jimmy's Shipping Company picks up the gas for delivery to a gas station.

E) The Gas Station. Most gas stations in the US are not owned by the company whose flag they fly. There are a few reasons for this. One is that gas companies, by and large, don't know shit about running a convenience store. Another reason is that gas companies usually decide that their capital dollars are better spent on their core business (extracting and refining oil) rather than selling it. So, your average gas station is going to be owned by a small business owner, often what I like to call a New American. Let's call him Nigel.

Now, this is not to say that oil companies never own convenience stores. When a company wants to extend its presence in an area, they will often build and run new gas stations to do just that. After a while, though, they'll decide they want to cash out, and they will sell the station. One possible caveat is gas stations near that company's corporate headquarters. Chevron stations near San Ramon, CA (Chevron's US HQ) will probably always be company-owned. It's more of a vanity thing than a business necessity, because convenience stores run on very slim margins. Gas companies make all their money on upstream (producing & refining) and hope to break even on downstream (retail sales).

One last time, let's take a look at our example. Pa Kettle's crude gets fed into the Valero refinery, which gets delivered to the BP terminal, where it is processed. Jimmy's Shipping Company picks up the gas for delivery to a gas station owned by Nigel.

Now, that gas station may have a BP logo on it, but the only time BP got involved in the entire life of the gasoline that is sold at that station is when they added detergents to the raw gasoline. That's not a high-margin business. The big money is selling the crude to the refinery.

This is not to say that BP does not produce or refine oil. They definitely do. What I want every would-be boycotter to realize is that when they decide not to buy gas from the local BP station, the impact on BP is infinitesimal. The only person you're really hurting is Nigel. Let's say your boycott works, and all the BP-branded stations in your area shut down or switch to other brands. The gas they sell has to come from somewhere, so everyone in the production chain stays in business except Nigel.

Let's say that you live in an area where there is a BP refinery. Well, bad news, because no matter whose gas you buy (Chevron, Shell, etc.) it all comes from the same refinery.

My point? The only people your boycott hurts are the small business owners who run BP-branded gas stations. And if you say well, that's too bad, they're unintended casualties in a holy war, then you're an asshole, because as noted above, your crusade isn't even hurting BP.

Really want to stick it to BP? Go buy a shrimping boat in southern Louisiana at a discount, then file with BP to get financial assistance because they've ruined your livelihood.

Well, I hope this has been as much fun to read as it was to write. I'm a few drinks in and using Mrs. Bart's tiny computer, so I'll correct any spelling errors later.

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Star Wars Seder - the questions

2010-06-15T22:25:00.001-05:00

Since there is now a semi-official Star Wars Day (May 4, as in "May the Fourth Be With You"), I think there ought to be ceremonies or traditions that go along with it. As George Lucas is a member of the tribe, so to speak, I thought it might be fun to have a Star Wars version of the seder dinner.

You would, of course, need appropriate questions. I'm literally doing this off the cuff, so I'm open to suggestions, but some of my ideas are:

-Why is this night different from all other nights? (Because on this night, Star Wars Episode IV was released.)

-Why is it that on all other nights we eat cookies and drink milk, but on this night we eat Wookiee Cookies and drink Blue Milk? (To commemorate Luke's time in the deserts of Tatooine, and because Wookiee Cookies sound really funny.)

-Why is it that on all other nights we watch the Clone Wars Animated Series, or Dr Who, or Star Trek, or whatever we might have from Netflix, but on this night we watch the entire Trilogy, Episodes IV - VI, back-to-back? (Because it's Star Wars night, genius.)

You know, shit like that. Clearly it needs work. But so do so many of my ideas.

The good news is there's an entire Star Wars Cookbook to provide inspiration for the evening's menu.

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Sprint is pissing me off

2010-06-14T21:42:00.002-05:00

I'm going to assume you've seen this Sprint commercial. If not, all you need to see is in this screen shot:

"Hi, I'm smart, confident woman of vague ethnicity. See the dumbass white boy sitting next to me? He fucked up big time. Fortunately, Sprint is here to save his ass. Look, the boss isn't going to fire me if something goes wrong. He might have a discrimination lawsuit on his hands. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell because my ethnicity is so vague. I could be half white & half black. I could be half Asian and half white. I could be 3/4 Puerto Rican and 1/4 Floridan Panhandle Redneck. Who the fuck knows? The point is, I'm definitely a woman, and get Sprint, because it will almost make up for the natural incompetence you honkies are pretty much born with."

I know white males are the last safe bastion of making-fun-of, because we secretly run the world with our white male cabal, but seriously, every time I see this commercial I get pissed off. The boss is like, thank fucking Christ I hired this vaguely ethnic chick, because the white boy is just here for looks. Someone's got to do the actual work around here.

Let me tell you, being a white guy isn't easy. First of all, the other white guys barely let me run any of the world. I'm like a sub-peon 3rd class, which means I get to be the mastermind of traffic signals in Thermopolis, Wyoming. That's it. I'll never get to run Australia or anything cool. At best, I might have control of a draw bridge somewhere.

What I'm getting at is, enough with the white-guy bashing, Sprint. Or if it has to be a white guy, at least make him Zach Galifianakis. That way we at least know he's in on the joke.

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FIFA Action - Day 1

2010-06-11T17:06:00.001-05:00

Holy shit, do you have World Cup Fever like I do? In that, do you wish most of the world's soccer fans would spontaneously combust, leaving all the good stuff for the rest of us?

Let's look at the awesome-as-hell action breakdown for Day 1: two games ended in ties. One was 1-1, one was 0-0. Boy, I bet the ticket holders are glad they flew from all corners of the earth to goddamn South Africa for those piece of crap games.

Still feel superior, rest of world? At least our sports have some level of excitement. Or scoring. Seriously, a tie is crazily rare in our sports. We go to great lengths to avoid that kind of result.

I normally associate intelligence with the ability to pay attention to things, but I make exceptions in the case of soccer and NASCAR races. You have to be dumber than a stump to stare at a TV (or be at the event itself) long enough to look at something that stupefyingly dull for that long. "But Bart," you may ask, "you will happily watch a 3.5 hour extended edition of one of the Lord of the Rings movies." Yes, but the difference is that is art, and not boring. You may as well watch flies buzzing around a carcass as watch soccer or NASCAR.

Personally, I rate soccer somewhere between arena football and bowling. I realize it takes a lot of athleticism to run up and down a pitch for an hour, but I think an actual marathon would be more entertaining.

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"Rights" Part 1

2010-03-22T18:56:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a while since I posted, but I've been busy. See, I vowed that I wouldn't make my triumphant return to blogging until (1) every illegal immigrant in the country was eligible for government-subsidized health insurance, and (2) gays could get married in D.C. Now that I've accomplished those goals, I can return to my first love: typing stuff that somebody might read.

With San Fran Nan (Nancy Pelosi, hereinafter referred to as SFN) and her cohort of congressional donkeys proclaiming loud & clear that health care is a "right", I wanted to examine the idea of "rights" in a multi-part series. Those are always the best anyways.

So, for today's discussion, let's go down the yellow-brick road with SFN and explore the basic and inalienable human right that is health care.

They say that health care is a right. So how do they deliver this right to the masses? They require you to purchase health insurance. That they approve of. Or else you'll be taxed. And jailed if you don't pay the taxes.

What if you choose to pay the fine? Will you still be able to see a doctor or go to the Emergency Room? I haven't heard one way or another. If health care is a right, surely they can't turn you away, right?

I understand the rationale for making everyone buy insurance, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But implying that the ultimate expression of your right to health care is embodied in the mandatory purchasing of a product is a little like:

-Saying that you have the right to freedom of expression and of the press, so you must subscribe to at least 2 newspapers and 3 magazines. Or else the IRS will tax you. And you'll go to jail if you don't pay the taxes.

-Saying that you have the right to vote, so you have to vote. And pay a poll tax. And you'll go to jail if you don't vote or pay the poll tax.

-Saying that you have the right to freedom of assembly, so you must be a member of an organization such as Rotary, Kiwanis, the Freemasons, etc. And they all charge membership fees. And you'll go to jail if you don't join & pay the fees.

-Saying that you have the right to own property, so by a date certain you must own your residence, or else you'll face fees & penalties. And you'll go to jail if you don't pay them.

-Saying that you have the right to an education, so you have to enroll in (and pay for) one college class every semester. If you don't, you'll be fined, and go to jail if you don't pay the fine.

-Saying that you have freedom of religion, so you must tithe to the church of your choice. I think you know where I'm going here. No tithe = you're going to the big house.

The best part about getting the IRS involved in the "right" to health care is that they're going to be checking up on your ass to make sure you're paying your insurance premiums. Every month. And if you don't, they'll garnish your wages. They'll be the first private collection agency in history that's completely above the law.

But don't worry, it's all being done to make sure your rights are secure. Thanks, San Fran Nan!

Next time: more dumbassery!

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President Barry #1 State of the Union Recap Extraordinaire!

2010-01-28T18:56:00.001-06:00

I expected the State of the Union to be a pretty typical speech; policy-heavy, lots of proposals, pitching pet programs... but I didn't expect it to be this... commercialized:

The Republican response was better than average. Usually it's someone sitting alone in a room, talking to a camera, but having audience feedback adds a lot to the experience. Here's a screen grab from the speech:

Knowing politics as I do, I know that little is left to chance. I'm guessing that, prior to this speech, a couple of political consultants had to sit down and figure who the 4 people in frame with the Governor would be.

"Look, we need two men and two women. We should have a military guy, and a black guy."

"No problem on the military guy, but there's no black guys available. Goddammit, I miss Sammy Davis Jr."

"OK, make it a black chick. For the other chick... I don't know, see if you can find a smokin' hot blond. I met a chick at a Halloween party last year dressed as 7 of 9... maybe she's available."

"OK, that leaves one more guy. Another military guy?"

"No, it'll be too obvious that we're stacking the deck. Maybe a businessman?"

"Oh shit, I know! An ASIAN businessman!"

"Hells yeah! You just earned your paycheck this month, fellow politics guy!"

That's pretty much how it happened.

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Mountain Dew Throwback

2010-01-20T19:18:00.001-06:00

I'm not a big fan of the Pepsi drink lineup, but when I saw a commercial recently for Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback, I have to admit that my curiosity was piqued. I'm a fan of soda, but I mostly stick to the diet stuff because I don't need the extra calories. But when I go "regular", I like to drink soda that uses real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup: Dublin Dr. Pepper, Mexican Coke, and Passover Coke are the big players among sugar-soda aficionados, although there are plenty of boutique colas made with real sugar (Jones, Izze, Red Bull Simply Cola, etc.).

The "throwback" in Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback refers to their use of real sugar - in this case, a mixture of cane and beet sugar. So even though I'm not a Pepsi fan, I figured this was up my alley. And if I like a concept, I may as well support it. (Hell, I bought a 4-pack of Coca-Cola Blak when it came out, so clearly I'm game for just about anything.) So far I've only been able to find the Mountain Dew Throwback. I was somewhat surprised to find it just stacked in with regular Mountain Dew. The distinct packaging meant you couldn't mistake it for anything else, but still, I thought a limited-edition soda like this deserved a little better placement.

Here's what it looks like:

As far as taste goes, well, it tasted like Mountain Dew, but a little less vile. Mountain Dew has the same failing that 7-Up does, which is that it lacks the tartness that makes Sprite so delightful. Also, the idea of urine-colored sodas doesn't sit well with me, unless it's apple-flavored.

So if you like Mountain Dew, or 7-Up, or weird sodas, or you want to have a party where you pretend you're in the past, pick up a 12-pack while you still can. You can't pretend like you're too far in the past, though, because it has the stay-tab instead of the pull-tab.

Mrs. Bart's review: "It tatest like 7-Up mixed with green Gatorade."

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What's on my iPod?

2010-01-18T22:28:00.001-06:00

I spend a lot of time in the car, so my iPod (iPhone in this case) has to be loaded for bear. I can't subsist on commercial radio, with its... commercials. I don't want to turn it on and wait 8 minutes for entertainment. I demand instant gratification. And so, I stock my iPod with only the most delightful and entertaining podcasts. I heartily recommend them all. They're all available on iTunes, just search for the names. Yes, I'm too lazy to figure out the links and them embed them.

1. The Adam Carolla Podcast. New every weekday. He's now incorporating live shows into his already excellent interview-style programs.

2. CarCast. Weekly podcast from Adam Carolla, showing his "car nut" side. There's a lot of talk about headers, which sounds sexier than it really is.

3. Comedy Death Ray Radio. Weekly comedy podcast. Truly excellent.

4. I Love Movies. Stoner comedian Doug Benson's one-every-two-weeks live show in which he jokes about movies with guests. It has games you can play along with at home, if you don't mind never winning.

5. The Sound of Young America. The flagship program from Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart (approximately 1 hour of content per week, released in chunks every few days). Interviews with seriously interesting people. I get a lot of books, movies, and music based on what I hear on the program.

6. Jordan, Jesse GO! Released approximately weekly, it's a goofy & hilarious romp with the aforementioned Jesse Thorn and pal Jordan Morris.

7. SModcast. Filmmaker Kevin Smith and assorted guests (usually producer Scott Mosier) shoot the shit for about an hour. Ideally released once a week, although when he's in the middle of filming, or editing, or smoking way too much weed, there tends to be a gap between episodes. Topics range from current events to bizarre flights of fancy, but it's always entertaining. The podcast has spawned books and even art exhibitions, so you know they're doing something right.

That pretty well keeps me occupied on my drives. Although on holidays, or weekends when I'm listening at home, I have to add audiobooks. Such is life. Hope this gives you some ideas for your own mobile entertainment.

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Want to really help Haiti? Listen to the Bartman

2010-01-15T22:08:00.001-06:00

Well, it looks like the Crappiest Place on Earth (C) TM, aka Haiti, has just become crappier.

If you're like me, you've read (or listened to the audiobook version of) Mountains Beyond Mountains, the story of an American doctor setting up a comprehensive health system in rural Haiti, and setting new standards for eradication of XDRTB (extreme drug-resistant tuberculosis) at the same time.

Well, the organization this doctor started, Partners in Health, is the real deal. If you really want to help out Haiti, your dollars couldn't go to a better place than here.

And incidentally, if you haven't read or listened to Mountains Beyond Mountains yet, I highly suggest it.

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The blu-ray conundrum

2010-01-14T21:03:00.001-06:00

Good news: I got a blu-ray player for Christmas. Yay! It's a gift that I think Jesus would really have been on board with. Until I pick up some blu-ray porn. In which case, I'll be hoping for a pass.

The downside is that I'm faced with a media-incompatibility conundrum the likes of which I haven't seen in a decade. From this day forward, every time I buy a movie, I have to decide whether to get it in DVD or blu-ray. If it's DVD I can play it on my computer or anywhere in the house, but I'll be able to see its imperfections when I stand up really close to the screen. If it's blu-ray it's a little more expensive, and I can only play it in the living room, but it'll look awesome.

So I bought the director's cut of 'Watchmen' on blu-ray today at Target for $20. Seemed like a good deal. Although you can buy a season of 'The Man Show' on DVD for $15. That's the good one with Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, not Joe Rogan and whats-his-nose.

The real difficulty will come in deciding when and if to replace my existing DVDs with blu-ray. There would have to be something really compelling to make me switch. Like 'Star Wars' on blu-ray. Or 'The Empire Strikes Back' on blu-ray. Probably 'Avatar'.

Well, the good news is that now I have something substantial to worry about :)

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The greatest gift of all

2009-12-30T08:59:00.000-06:00

This Christmas, I got the greatest gift of all... permission to unleash my inner cholo.

To wit:

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Why old people are awesome: Christmas Edition

2009-12-25T10:56:00.000-06:00

This is an actual conversation between Mrs. Bart (MB) and Mrs. Bart's Grandmother (MBG). It's a great illustration of how awesome old people are.

MB: So, grandma, what's for Christmas dinner?

MBG: We're having ham.

MB: Any vegetables?

MBG: Well, I'm making scalloped potatoes, and butter beans, and of course, cornbread to go with the butter beans.

MB: So, no vegetables?

MBG: That's 3 vegetables!

MB: It might be nice to have something green... maybe I'll bring green beans.

MBG: I wouldn't bring green beans, we're already having beans!

[End Transcript]

You might fault their dietary choices, but that generation won Korea, or something like that, so they must be doing something right.

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My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes

2009-12-15T13:43:00.001-06:00

My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes, complete with corollaries, as of right now:

10. That Joey ended up with Pacey and not Dawson. (Corollary: that the Dawson's Creek finale was so goddamned maudlin.)

9. That The O.C. concluded with everyone moving to Berkeley. (Corollary: no zombie Marissa in the finale.)

8. That The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Kings didn't have more endings. That's right, haters, I wanted more! (Corollary: no bare elf boobies in the extended edition DVD.)

7. That Seth MacFarlane is handsome, impressively funny and talented, and a multi-millionaire... and 4 years older than me. (Corollary: Not to mention that he avoided being on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, which is funny when you think about God expending that much effort on an avowed atheist.)

6. That the best Joss Whedon series always seem to get cancelled. (Corollary: that Joss waited until episode 7 in both seasons of Dollhouse to make it really freaking interesting!)

5. That the first Harry Potter movie showed about 40 first-years trooping into the Griffindor dorm. There should be about 10, right? (Corollary: No firm opening date for the Harry Potter theme park in Orlando as yet.)

4. The crazy "new normal" of staggered television seasons, plus delays from the writer's strike, plus strategically delaying a TV Season's release date until just before the new season is set to air. How long since I've seen a new Chuck episode? How long until Mad Men, or True Blood come back on? How long until Season 2 of In Treatment comes out on DVD? (Corollary: I just couldn't get back into Heroes after the writer's strike. Plus, if Hayden Panettiere wants me to watch, she knows what she needs to do. And it has nothing to do with Greenpeace.)

3. The switch from analog to digital TV signals; the switch from DVDs to blu-ray; the switch from regular to flat-screen TVs. I can barely watch a TV show or movie at home now, and half of my equipment no longer works. (Corollary: try convincing your cable company that you don't need to rent their box for $20 a month because your TV can descramble their code all by itself. Not easy.)

2. Having to find new music through TV shows, commercials, and movie trailers because commercial radio is unbearable. (Corollary: why won't Mrs. Bart's XM Radio receiver pick up Howard Stern?)

and finally...

1. I gripe about no great comedians coming to Dallas, and yet I miss the Doug Benson show because it would have been a half hour drive away from home on a weeknight. (Corollary: When is Paul F. Tompkins coming to Dallas?!)

I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson

2009-12-08T13:13:00.001-06:00

I'm working on a contract right now, and the width of a parcel of land is described as "1 Rod." A goddamned Rod!

Can we not say 16.5 feet? Better yet, can we not round up to 17 feet?

I feel like I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson or Mr. Burns.

They just keep getting dumber

2009-11-20T15:15:00.001-06:00

I like to say (mostly jokingly) that one of the great things about teaching at a community college is that there are a lot of attractive girls with very low standards. Some of my students are smart, and my classroom is just a stop on their way to someplace better. Some, though, are, by any reasonable definition of the word, dumb.

Incidentally, there seem to be two kinds of dumb: the not-knowing things dumb, and the lack-of-reasoning dumb. I see both on a regular basis. Some unhappy individuals have both.

I firmly believe that it's possible for most people to grow out of both of these kinds of dumb, so that's why I try not to be too hard on teenagers, who are likelier than most to be afflicted with both kinds. Most haven't had sufficient time to grow out of it. Still, it's hard for me not to make a snap judgment when reading this quote from a teenage girl who watched a midnight showing of 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon':

"I think it's probably the best love story ever written, and there's really something in it for everyone," one teen told News 8 at a Dallas movie theater.

The best love story ever written, huh? I have it on authority that the books are godawful, which begs the question: should this girl's teachers be embarrassed? Is it possible she's home-schooled?

"Something in it for everyone"? Really? Are there naked boobies? Because that's the only way I can think of to sit through this abortion of a movie. (That's how I made it through 'Brokeback Mountain', although I did vomit twice. Really.) Oops, I just checked, and the movie's PG-13. That doesn't bode well for the boobies. Or my enjoyment of the movie.

I tell myself, don't be too hard on the girl. It's good that she's reading at all. Hopefully she'll grow out of it and into much better things. And if not, well, maybe we have a future community college student on our hands. I hope she's hot.

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Movie Thoughts

2009-11-18T11:41:00.001-06:00

Last weekend Mrs. Bart and I saw 'Pirate Radio'. I thought it was going to be Captain Jack Sparrow from 'Pirates of the Caribbean' taking a turn as a conservative AM talk show host, but no such luck. Instead it was an amusing, but largely forgettable, story about rock-n-roll in the UK in the 1960s.

If 'Pirate Radio' is to serve as my guide, here are the historical lessons I have learned about Britain in the '60s:

-DJs got really excited about listening to rock-n-roll music. So much so that they would occasionally yell "Rock-n-roll!", dance, and generally behave oddly.
-Women couldn't control their vaginas.
-The government is purposelessly evil. And old. And white.
-Everyone loves lesbians.

It's from the creators of 'Love Actually', which is a movie that I actually love. Maybe others are as ambivalent about that movie as I am about 'Pirate Radio'.

One thing 'Pirate Radio' does have going for it is a kick-ass soundtrack. No Beatles songs, but an amazing assemblage of music. It must have cost the movie-makers a fortune. Afterwards, Mrs. Bart said, "The Kinks have all that great music, and the only CD you have of theirs is 'The Village Green Preservation Society'?" Clearly I'm not as cool as these guys.

I do want to send a shout-out to the folks who cut the theatrical trailer for 'Brothers', with Jake Gyllenhaal, Toby Maguire, and Natalie Portman: Too Long. The trailer goes too far. There's little point to me seeing the movie now. You should have stopped the narrative with Toby saying "I want to talk to my wife," then done the actor-summary segment of each headliner looking sad / worried / anxious / confused etc., and that would have summed everything up nicely. Instead you show Toby going zombie-like berserk. It's like a nice movie turns into a horror thriller. I'm willing to bet that that's not actually how the movie goes, but due to your crappy trailer editing, that's what I think. And now I'm not going to see it. Unless Natalie Portman gets nekkid. I'll wait for the reviews on that one.

My "to-see" list of movies already out is getting lengthy: The Informant!, Whip It, Zombieland, and Skin. Coming up before the end of the year are Up in the Air, Invictus, The Lovely Bones, Avatar, and Sherlock Holmes. Not sure where I'll find the time to see all these, but I can probably work something out.

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Hey networks, WTF?

2009-11-12T21:38:00.001-06:00

Here's a business model that makes sense to me. You have a "TV Event", and then a few weeks later the DVD comes out with extras, bonus scenes, commentary, etc. You maximize excitement for the original event, then the fanboys and those that missed it go out and buy the DVD without too much of a wait. It worked for the Battlestar Galactica: Razor TV movie in late '07.

Given that this seems like a good model (at least to me), I'm at a loss for why so many similar projects are being released on DVD first, before getting a network airing. For example:

1. Battlestar Galactica: The Plan. Possibly the last new BSG material ever. Released on DVD 10/27/2009. Network air date TBD.

Really, Syfy Network? The biggest show you've ever had, and you're not sure when you can squeeze in a made-for-TV movie that's chock-a-block full of Tricia Helfer?

2. Caprica 2-hour pilot episode. Released on DVD 4/21/2009. Set to air 1/22/2010.

A little part of me understands holding off on this airing until the rest of the series is ready to go. But seriously? You didn't have a couple of hours you needed to fill in the intervening 7 months, Syfy Network? Maybe some tasty ad spots to sell for the next big thing in the BSG universe?

3. Something, something, something, Dark Side. The Family Guy spoof of The Empire Strikes Back. DVD set for release on 12/23/2009. Set to air 5/16/2010.

Let's do a little math, shall we, Fox? You have a multi-million dollar investment in the Seth MacFarlane franchises. Blue Harvest (the Star Wars spoof) was one of the biggest Family Guy episodes of all time. It was a huge TV event. You can't get this aired before Christmas? Need to sit on it for another 5 or 6 months?

Maybe something important has changed since Battlestar Galactica: Razor was released. Maybe it's harder to put a program on a network than to digitize it, press millions of DVDs, and get them distributed to retail channels. Maybe. But I doubt it.

Anyone know what the frak is going on?

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An Armistice Day Treat

2009-11-11T20:56:00.004-06:00

In honor of Armistice Day, here is a montage of pictures I took at the World War I National Memorial in Kansas City.

For best results, hit the little "full screen" button.

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Can't beat the original

2009-11-09T20:44:00.001-06:00

Hmm, I don't want to get a takedown notice, so I'll have to be... discrete. (And real. And non-zero.)

A web site dedicated to a science fiction franchise recently featured a series of zombie-themed art. Here is an example of one of the pieces:

I enjoyed it. But what I really enjoyed was seeing the original a few weeks ago. I went to a convention dedicated to fans of this particular science fiction franchise, and several artists attended and brought their zombie-themed art. Imagine my surprise when I saw the actual piece:

HOLY CRAP, HE'S VOMITING BLOOD INTO HER MOUTH.

While I can understand editing it for the web, the real one is so much more gruesomely awesome... it really is true. You just can't beat the original.

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More great comics

2009-11-08T22:21:00.000-06:00

I do love visual humor based on Canadian geography and politics. Like-a this-a:

Those poor Maritime Provinces. Haven't they been through enough already, Quebec? You selfish merde tete?

If you're like me, in that you love funny stuff and hate stock photography, you'll want to check out Francetucky. From the author / artist of the above.

What the Font?

2009-10-29T23:13:00.000-05:00

Being a computer company, I would imagine HP would have a lot of fonts at their disposal. So how do you explain this?

I picture some marketing geniuses brainstorming their next ad campaign:

-"We need something to appeal to the kids, to tell 'em to buy HP ink instead of the competitor's stuff."
-"Hell, how do we do that?"
-"I know! You know that movie that the kids are into? Our ad should remind them of that movie."
-"Twilight?" "Star Trek?" "Saw V?" "Paul Blart?"
-"No, no, no, no, the cool kids! It's got, uh, Jimmy Depp. No, Johnny Depp! That's it!"
-"Pirates of the Caribbean?" "Sweeny Todd?" "21 Jump Street?" "That Alice in Wonderland movie that hasn't come out yet?"
-"No, no, TV, no. Uh... Edward Scissorhands! That's it! Get me the font from that goddamn movie, and the kids'll come flocking to HP-brand printer ink!"

There's really no other explanation.

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The world's most inconsiderate food

2009-10-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Bart and I have a running joke that we can't get out of a Mexican food place without someone ordering sizzling fajitas. Because it wouldn't be right to eat Mexican food and go home not smelling of onion smoke.

Like many jokes, it's based on fact. All too often we're wrapping up, waiting for the check, and we hear the dreaded sound. Sizzzzzzle. Dammit. Now we're going to smell.

Tonight we ate at a place where there was only one other couple present. Just one other. And what did we hear? Sizzzzzzle. Dammit.

When I want fajitas, I get tacos al carbon. Simple as that. It's like fajitas, but they do the work for you. And you don't stink up the joint. Who thinks, gee, I'd really like tacos al carbon tonight, but I want to be inconsiderate towards everyone else in a 50 foot radius? I know, I'll get sizzling fajitas!

If you're going to order a meal that provides the maximum amount of misery for others, here's what I'd recommend:

-Tableside guacamole (tasty, but extra work for your server)
-Queso flameado (ditto, plus adds danger of fire to your server's day)
-Sizzling fajitas (stink up the room with your dish)
-Bananas foster (combines the best of stinking up the room, fire, and making your server do extra work)

Of course, you'd need to find a Mexican place that serves bananas foster. Maybe in the new New Orleans. It's less of a chocolate city now, and more of a chipotle mole city.

Mmm, I could go for some chipotle mole right about now.

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Bad news, kids

2009-10-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

Bad news for you, kids:

All these horrible things that are going to happen to you in the next few years? Barry's fabulous free government health care isn't going to kick in until 2013. So you're still going to die.

The good news is that if you're growing up in a household where your parents have to sell the house to pay for your leg cast, odds are you don't have much going for you anyways. And once all the new taxes to pay for Barry's fabulous free government health care kick in, your parents wouldn't be able to feed you, much less pay for your surgery.

Just thought you should know.

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A triumphant return to trade shows!

2009-10-22T13:47:00.002-05:00

I have not been to a trade show in, like, 2 years. Today marks my triumphant return. Here's hoping I win some prizes.

Edit: did not win prizes. But had a good time anyways.

The perfect comic?

2009-10-18T21:48:00.003-05:00

This is like the perfect comic for me. It combines my love of Star Wars and Canadian geography.

I know you can't see the whole thing on the screen... click on the comic to see the whole thing. It's worth it.

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A little too clever, Google

2009-10-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Normally I enjoy the specialty Google logos, but the one celebrating the anniversary of the bar code struck a nerve with me:

It was like using a generic search engine. Very off-putting.

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Reality vs. vanity - the Halloween edition

2009-10-07T12:34:00.001-05:00

A month or so ago I decided that my Halloween costume this year would be Indiana Jones. I already have a leather jacket, brown shoes, khakis, a belt, and a satchel. All I'd need is a hat, a shirt from Old Navy, and a whip. At least the costume will be comfortable. And with all the Mad Men I've been watching, I've been wanting to wear fedoras more often. And smoke. And drive a gigantic car made of steel. I haven't yet arrived at the point where I want to wear a suit while eating at home, but maybe that day isn't far off.

When discussing the costume recently, Mrs. Bart rocked my world a little bit by asking how I felt about shaving off my goatee so I'd look as Indiana Jones-ish as possible.

I hadn't even considered that I'd be shaving it off. I've been goateed for almost 3 years straight. I like the look, and people at work are used to it. I can stroke it when I'm thinking about something. What's not to like?

But Mrs. Bart is right, if I want to be as authentic as possible it's got to go. (I'd also need to lose about 40 pounds, but that's a little harder to do in a few weeks.) Prior to the costume party I'll build up a couple days' worth of scruff to simulate Indy out in the field, and I'll use that scruff to form a proto-goat the next week. But still, it'll be weird.

So, in the power struggle between reality and vanity, for Halloween at least, reality wins. Vanity will return shortly thereafter.

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The Mad Men of Hilton

2009-10-06T23:20:00.002-05:00

I like Mad Men, and I like the Hilton family of hotels, so you think I'd be happy that they're cross-promoting the hell out of each other. Or, you'd think that it wouldn't have the end result of pissing me off. Guess again.

I stayed at a Hilton recently, and booked my room under the "Mad Men" rate. That entered me into the drawing for some crazy prize at the Waldorf Astoria. (A cheaper way to enter is to write your name & address on a card and mail it to them.) So I show up to the hotel on a Monday, hoping to catch a Mad Men re-run on AMC. 'Cause they're such cross-promoting buddies, and I'm staying at the Mad Men rate and all.

Now, in the perfect promotional world, when you stay at the Mad Men rate, they'd have a little DVD of the most recent episode burned and available for you to view. But, that seems difficult and legally questionable. They'd ideally have worked that sort of detail out in their promotional agreement, but whatever. So that didn't happen.

In a merely adequate promotional world, when you stay at a hotel chain that has a big cross-promotion with a television show, you'd expect that hotel to have the channel carrying that television show in its TV lineup.

Nope.

So, I got a 1 in 30 billion chance of winning a prize, and I didn't get to watch Mad Men. I had to wait until I got home.

Great promotion, Hilton. Ol' Conrad would be proud of you.

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Senators: 'Dollhouse' vs. Real Life

2009-10-05T16:33:00.001-05:00

If you're watching Season 2 of 'Dollhouse' on Fox (and why wouldn't you be?), you know that there's a subplot involving an ambitious young U.S. Senator making it his personal mission to track down the Dollhouse and its parent company. He makes speeches about his goals, which are well-covered by news networks, and spends a lot of time at home going over corporate records with his smart yet sexy wife. That's the fictional version of a Senator.

Here's the real version of a U.S. Senator: a guy who doesn't bother to read legislation because the language is so arcane. And according to him, he's not alone. And he's from Delaware, which is less of a state than the Providence Plantations. Yes, I know most of you refer to it as Rhode Island, but screw that. Most of the state isn't an island, so I don't see why the island part has to come first.

I'm not sure whether the fictional version or the real version of the Senator miffs me more. The fictional one is too goody-two-shoes, unrealistic, and kind of annoying. Unless either he or his wife is an undercover Doll, in which case kudos, Joss Whedon. But, it's the sort of thing we'd like to envision in our public servants: actually caring about things other than fund-raising or his re-election.

On the other hand, I can understand not wanting to read legislative language. It sounds like crazy talk. But should the country that's the pinnacle of representative government allow itself to be drowned in nonsensical legalese that 99.999% of the population wouldn't understand? There's a reason that libertarians talk about trashing the tax code. You know this jerk is going to, at some point, brag about legislation he passed but doesn't understand. He'll leave that last part out of the stump speech.

Every now and then you read about a politician who's a real dynamo (like Bobby Jindal) and you think, hell yeah, this is the kind of cat we need in elected office. But mostly they're just loser a-holes like that jerk from Delaware.

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Everything I know, I learned from movies

2009-10-01T21:17:00.003-05:00

(This is the text of a speech I gave in Toastmasters today)

Like many of you, I attended public schools. In a small town, a public school education can be a mixed bag. For example, I had good math teachers, because that’s what they wanted to teach. However, my biology teacher was a coach who was also required to teach biology. My history teacher was a coach who was also required to teach history. You get the picture. They didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t learn very much.

As a result, in many subject areas, if I wanted to learn anything, I had to teach myself. This was pre-internet, so there was no Wikipedia to hold my attention for hours on end. I did have a set of encyclopedias at home, but those are stale-dated the moment they’re printed. So I know more than I should about Canada’s top 5 exports in 1982. I needed a constantly developing medium in which to immerse myself and learn those things they just can’t teach you in school.

Enter movies. Movies can take you all over the world, to other worlds, to the past, or to the future. This was just what I was looking for to supplement my education. And after too many years to watching too many movies, you might say that everything I know, I learned from movies.

Here’s a brief overview of U.S. Military history, as provided by various movies.

-Revolutionary War: each side lined up shoulder-to-shoulder in a single line, loaded their muskets, and fired at each other. While reloading, the survivors walked forward, then formed another line and fired again. Eventually the 3 or 4 surviving soldiers ran at each other with swords.

-Civil War: By the time of the Civil War, we had learned our lessons from the previous conflict. Each side lined up shoulder-to-shoulder in TWO lines, one kneeling, and one standing. That way you have twice as many people shooting. Instead of everyone having swords, you take little swords (bayonets) and attach them to the end of your rifle.

-First World War: Everyone was tired of being shot at, so they spent most of their time in trenches, occasionally shooting at each other. Planes and tanks were novelties. We were still using hot-air balloons for reconnaissance.

-Second World War: Trenches gave way to foxholes. Planes and tanks became awesome.

-Korean War: I watched a lot of MASH on TV, so I didn’t see much in the way of military tactics. I think we still had foxholes.

-Vietnam War: We decided sitting in one place and shooting at people was a waste of time, so soldiers were airlifted in to a portion of jungle, they walked through it, shot at things, and then were airlifted out under heavy enemy fire. Occasionally Marlon Brando would establish an evil empire in the heart of the jungle, and Martin Sheen would have to take him out.

Movies weren’t all cut-and-dry sources of information for me. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons. Many of them came in handy while I was still in school:

-The cool new kid in class was actually a nerd at his previous school. A mean kid is sure to find his old chess club yearbook picture and humiliate him with it.

-Somewhere in school there’s a girl with glasses who has her hair up and is wearing unflattering clothing. However, get her contacts and a quick 15 minute makeover and she will suddenly be the hottest girl in school. If you take her to the dance, no one will recognize her, because she’s not wearing her glasses.

-The quiet kid who doesn’t seem to socialize much is actually a wellspring of knowledge, letting you know who’s dating who and who belongs to which clique.

-Stereotypes can be deceiving: the cheerleader may hate her parents for pressuring her into performing, the jock may secretly want to join the drama club, and the miscreant rule-breaker actually has a heart of gold, if only you can break down his tough outer shell.

-There is always one crazy graduation party that everyone attends, where everyone’s true personality is revealed, old grudges are settled, and the girls and boys finally end up with who they’re supposed to be with.

Many of the lessons from movies have come in handy as an adult as well:

-If you get an eye or heart transplant from a serial killer, his soul will be able to take over your body and continue his murderous rampage. Any other organ is OK.

-Everyone has a rich but eccentric uncle, or aunt, or great-aunt, or grandparent, who stipulates in their will that you only get your inheritance if you get married, or get a job, or solve an old mystery, or spend the night in a haunted house.

-In a gun fight, a 6-shooter will get off about 30 shots before you need to reload it.

-Occasionally, young children will talk exactly like adults. If you ask them any follow-up questions, though, they’re protest that they’re just kids. *Side note: sometimes this kid is actually possessed by an ancient demon, so have some paper towels ready in case the projectile vomiting starts.

-Almost everything bad that happens has an “old prophecy” attached to it that way too many people know, yet don’t believe until it’s happening.

-If you kill a bad guy, be careful. He’s probably going to come right back to life again. But if you kill him a second time he’ll really be dead.

-If you wake up from a nightmare, don’t be too relieved. Something scary will probably happen again, revealing that you’re in yet another nightmare that you have yet to wake up from.

-A trip to a foreign country will almost always result in the finding of true love. Incredibly, it may be with someone you’ve known for years.

-Any wedding where the pastor asks for objections inevitably has multiple ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends of the bride and groom in the audience.

-A good montage can take care of almost any problem. Play an appropriate song, cut from one scene to the other really quickly, and in just a few minutes you’ll be in shape, in love, or you’ll have moved up 3 rungs on the corporate ladder. Note that if you are an underdog in a sporting event, a montage is essential to ultimate victory.

Perhaps most importantly, remember the ultimate lesson from the movies: just when things seem at their worst, when defeat seems imminent, suddenly the cavalry will come charging over the hill, the invading alien horde will be unexpectedly vulnerable to water or human diseases, or your true love will interrupt the wedding ceremony just before you say “I do.” Yes, if I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s hope; an almost unwarranted, unreasonable, yet never unexpected sense of hope.

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Things I want to do as a Professor

2009-09-30T17:44:00.001-05:00

Being a part-time faculty member at a community college has plenty of benefits. I've done some cool things as a result of my position; free burrito at Chipotle on "free burrito for educators" day; I saw "Akeelah and the Bee" for free; um, I get to park close to my building... OK, I think that's it.

There's plenty of things I would like to do but haven't. I'd like to give a guest lecture at another school. I travel a fair amount, sometimes on weekdays, and if teachers at other colleges are anything like me, they'd like to be able to cool their heels for a class and let someone else talk. Mrs. Bart has pointed out, however, that this would require a great deal of planning ahead (not my strong suit) and me having something interesting / unique to talk about that a professor and / or class would be interested in (also not my strong suit).

I'd like to be an expert witness. I've wanted to do that for a while, long before I had anything to be expert in, but I think I have a real shot now.

Closer to campus, I think it'd be fun to sponsor a student organization. I don't know if you can do that when you're a part-time faculty member. And I'd need to make sure it's a good organization - don't want the FBI getting on me because some smart-ass student decides to start a local Taliban club.

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The Drizzle-dizzle

2009-09-14T16:27:00.001-05:00

It's been raining for several days straight, and now we're down to a constant drizzle. The good news is it's keeping the temperature down, and the region needs the rain. The bad news is that all this wetness is somewhat annoying.

I'd like to throw more invective at the weather than "somewhat annoying", except (1) we're clear of August and into mid-September, which means Autumn approaches (yay!), and (2) I frequently spout off about the loveliness of the Pacific Northwest, that it's "God's Country", etc., and this is the kind of weather they get up there. So I'll just keep my yap shut for now.

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Jamaica-based confusion

2009-09-13T22:17:00.001-05:00

I've been watching a lot of shows on Hulu lately, so I've been seeing more commercials than usual. I'm not a big fan of commercials, but this one is annoying the hell out of me:

I'm not annoyed at the commercial so much, but the underlying message. It makes me wonder: how the hell is Jamaica its own country?

I've read 'Brown Face, Big Master'. I know that there are serious, educated people in Jamaica. (Although if Joyce Gladwell's example is any indication, most of them have moved to England, Canada, or the U.S.) But based on their popular image, I fully expect that Jamaica's Foreign Minister looks something like T-Pain.

Anyone disagree?

Maybe I'm being unfair. After all, would we want people judging the U.S. based on its commercials? If we based our opinion of Japan on their commercials, I think we'd drop another nuke on them, just to be safe.

And maybe the foreign minister in Jamaica looks like the Red Stripe guy. That would be a step up from T-Pain. (It'd be a step up from Hillary Clinton, come to think of it.)

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My current creative endeavour

2009-09-11T21:42:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you've all wondered why my blog posting hasn't been as prolific of late. I have some pretty exciting news for everyone. I had a really neat idea, and have been working night and day to bring it to fruition. My plan is to do a reboot of a classic science fiction franchise: the 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica.

I know what you're thinking: everyone loves the 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica. It's a legendary series in the annals of sci-fi. How can I possibly hope to top it? Well, the answer is that it's not about topping, or beating, or eclipsing, or anything else. I love this classic series too. I just want to update it and bring it into the present, while retaining the essence of what the 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica is.

Check your pre-conceived notions at the door, because this isn't your father's (or possibly older brother's) 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica. This series is going to be darker and more brooding. The Apollo / Adama relationship is going to be strained right from the get-go, despite the fact that they have to work with each other to save humanity. Tigh will be a real ball-buster in this version of the show. Heck, I might even make Starbuck a woman! Can you imagine? Still cigar-chomping, banging anything that moves, and getting into scrapes, but a woman. And Baltar... that son of a bitch is going to be completely off his nut. Not the moderately quirkly Baltar we've come to know and love, but genuinely goddamn crazy.

The Cylons? They were never cuddly, but sometimes they were comic book villain-y. Well, this time they're going to be downright satanic. I'm going to pull up short from making them vampire or zombie evil, but they're going to be bad news for humanity and its remnants.

The rag-tag fleet occasionally looked like it would be a nice place ot stay. No longer - my vision of the reboot of the 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica is going to include a rag-tag fleet rife with ethnic and religious strife, equipment malfunctions, personnel problems, and an overall lack of hygiene. Not to mention running short on spare parts and fuel.

I think you have a pretty good idea of why I'm so excited. This new vision of the 2003 re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica is going to introduce this storied franchise to the next generation of fans, and re-ignite the passions of fans of the old series.

Plus, there will be a ton of nudity.

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Jayne can type!

2009-09-08T16:44:00.001-05:00

I've loved Adam Baldwin from his various film and TV roles (esp. Major Casey in 'Chuck' and Jayne in 'Firefly'), but I was having a hard time separating the characters from the actor while reading his op-ed on the Obama education broadcast today. Look, it's well thought out, a very nice piece overall. But while reading it, I couldn't help but picture Jayne from 'Firefly' reading it to me in his halting and abrupt manner. Maybe he's playing with a knife while he's reading. And at the end, I thought, "Holy crap, Jayne can type!"

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Bart goes to White Castle

2009-09-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

It's funny that I lived in the midwest for years, yet it's on a business trip to Minnesota that I finally try White Castle for the first time.

Let's be honest. It's not that great. But, it's unique, and I figure, why not try it?

The iconic exterior:

The meal in question:

And some clever, vintage-style advertising in the restaurant (see what you miss when you drive through, people?):

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Nervous Nelly

2009-09-02T13:50:00.001-05:00

Before I travel, I'm almost always a nervous Nelly. No, not that Nelly. He should be nervous about my mad rhyming skillz.

Seriously, though, most of the time before I leave for a trip I'm nervous. Doesn't matter if the trip is for business or pleasure, near or far. I think there's two primary fears going on: the fear that I'm forgetting to do something before leaving, and the fear that I'll forget to take something that I need. Both fears stem from my other mad skill: procrastination.

Fortunately, the ability to bring a laptop and an iPhone have cut down on my worries. If I forget to research a bit of information, or I need to access an e-mail, no problem.

I should have plenty of exciting (or at least "as exciting as it gets") news to report from the Twin Cities over the next few days, so stay tuned!

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Oh Automated Postal Center, you're never quite what I need

2009-08-31T22:04:00.001-05:00

I've found that the Automated Postal Center (APC) at the post office is never quite what I need. Certainly, it's come in handy. I go to the post office, there's a long line at the counter, so I head over to the APC. Easy peasy. However, when the post office is closed, the APC seems to take on a different character:

-It's not working.

-There are 7 people in line, none of whom speak English or know how to use a touchscreen interface.

-It is partially functional, but it's not the function you want.

To wit, today I wanted to drop by the post office on my way home to buy some 1st class stamps. Nothing fancy, just 1st class stamps. So I step up to the APC, and press the "I want to buy stamps" button.

It's not working. In fact, it can't print any postage if it's not on one of those big legal pad-sized stickers.

OK, I don't want it to print postage. I want it to spit out a booklet of stamps. I've seen it do that before.

Nope. Sorry, the stamp spitter isn't working either.

Well, this sucks, I thought. But wait... aha! This is one of those rare instances when I have cash on me. (Dollar coins, in fact.) I'll just buy a booklet of stamps from the vending machine. Now where's that vending machine?

Son of a whore. They took out BOTH vending machines, reasoning that the APC, which NEVER WORKS when the post office is closed, would suffice for the general public's stamp-purchasing needs. SON OF A WHORING BITCH SLUT.

I feel better now. Although my letter still isn't mailed.

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Artist Profile: Bart

2009-08-29T20:22:00.000-05:00

Many years ago, I tried my hand at painting. What can I say, everyone else (aka my sister and my maternal grandmother) was doing it, and they were good at it. So I figured, why not?

My first attempt was... well, I'll classify it as "not bad." "Passable," even. It's currently hanging up in our half-bath, so any visitor taking a whiz at Chez Bart can take a gander. The second attempt was "not good." The third was "straight up bad." I'm not sure how one gets worse with practice, but it worked that way for me with painting and golf. My first game was my best ever.

Given my lack of artistic prowess, I never expected to win accolades, or prizes, or have my art displayed in a museum. That is, until I heard about the MOBA. No, not the MOMA. The MOBA. The Museum of Bad Art.

They have two branches in the Boston area, and are not above rescuing artwork from the trash in order to add to their collection. They also accept submissions, so I decided to take a picture of my 3rd painting and send it in. Here's the picture:

And here's the e-mail I sent:

Hello,

I'm curious as to whether you would consider the attached painting to be bad enough for your collection. It is supposed to be my red-haired wife (girlfriend at the time) sitting cross-legged on a beach. People have asked me if it is supposed to be a sombrero.

Of particular note:

-My choice of blue for the sky didn't quite cover the color of the primer (you can see some pink showing through)

-My poor attempt at shading beneath the subject

-My cunning attempt to blend my initials into the patch of green plants

Thanks!

And here was the reply:

I like the pink showing through the sky blue - it looks like a sunset or sunrise scene. There are other technical problems with the painting; her hair color, the one-dimensionality, etc. I think this would make a fine addition to our collection, which already includes a number of beach scenes. I have attached 'On the Shore at Sunset', which is featured in our recent book Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks.

Sweet. So, all I have to do is make a writeup about the painting's provenance and send it in. And then I'll take my place in the ranks of the bad art world.

Just to think: all of you knew me when.

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Need another reason to watch 'Community'?

2009-08-23T22:32:00.002-05:00

If Joel McHale and Chevy Chase don't do it for you, here's another reason to watch 'Community' this fall on NBC:

Defying Vancouver

2009-08-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight I watched the first 4 episodes of 'Defying Gravity'. It's an ABC show, and you can catch it on Hulu. It's pretty good. I like Ron Livingston ('Office Space' guy), and I like outer space, so it's not a stretch that I'd like the show. No nudity, sadly. Network. You know.

Anyhoo, you don't have to watch much of the show before you can tell it was shot in Vancouver. Maybe it helps that I've been watching a lot of Vancouver-based shows: 'Battlestar Galactica,' 'Reaper', and 'Dead Like Me'. I've seen one BSG alumnus, 2 from 'Reaper', and 2 'Dead Like Me' types.

There was a scene where two characters walked into their respective apartments, and I had two back-to-back thoughts: first, "Hey, that's Starbuck's apartment"; and second, "Hey, that's Starbuck's apartment again, slightly re-dressed." You'd think they would have picked an apartment that's a little less obvious or well known. Maybe they like it because it's quasi-futuristic. Who knows.

At any rate, that's one more show I can add to my entertainment tour of Vancouver. When I go to Vancouver. Whenever that happens to be.

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More Drudge Silliness

2009-08-20T19:11:00.001-05:00

Oh Drudge, do you plan this stuff, or is it happy circumstance?

Volunteerin' Fool

2009-08-18T14:25:00.001-05:00

I got a wild hair this year, and decided to apply for some boards & commissions in my little suburb. My selections were the Zoning Board of Adjustment and the Planning and Zoning Commission. These make the most sense, based on my real estate background. Or more sense, at least, than the Animal Services Appeals Board.

I had my ZBA interview last night with two city councilmen and a city staff member. I think they were impressed by my subject matter knowledge. It helps that I talk about zoning and zoning adjustments in my real estate classes, so I already have a spiel about them. It adds a nice "knows what he's doing" flavor to the proceedings.

I got some spiel from the councilmen as well. The first one, which I appreciated, was the "we have a lot more applicants than we do positions to fill, so if you're not picked, it's not a negative reflection on you." They also noted that there's "alternate" spots as well as regular ones, so don't feel bad if you get picked as an alternate. This is reasonable, and something I understand.

The spiel I didn't appreciate was "if you don't get picked, there's still plenty of ways to serve your community." Because I've been spending years and years not being on a board or commission, and I've not been aware of any other way to serve the community. It's bad form to call them on their bullshit in the middle of an interview, but what do they have in mind? Sitting through hearings that I'm not part of? Tending to a portion of the community garden? Joining the Lions Club? No, no, and no.

The P&Z interview is tomorrow night. I feel like I have less of a shot at getting on that one, because there's fewer vacancies and more people tend to apply to it. That suits me fine, because P&Z tends to involve more hours & work. I may take the opportunity tomorrow to call the interviewer on the "there's plenty of ways to serve your community" line. I'm vacillating between "Really? Name one." and "Really? I haven't found that to be the case." or the slightly more friendly "For example..." I bet their first example would be "Well, you could volunteer for a city board or commission oh wait..."

Or maybe they'll be smart and not go through that particular spiel again. We'll see.

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Au revoir, Houston

2009-08-14T17:32:00.000-05:00

Hey, Houston, it's been real. Thanks for the warm welcome. VERY warm. And humid. But, you know, I think I'll be on my way. You understand, right? I mean, I've enjoyed eating your food and sleeping in your hotel beds, but I can't quite escape the feeling that I'm going to catch malaria. So... yeah. Later.

In England? Looking for a car? No problem.

2009-08-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

Friends, if you're anything like me, well, first of all, I pity you.

Seriously though, friends, if you're anything like me, you occasionally find yourself in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (remember when it was bigger? those were the days) and in a quandary: where can I find a Peugeot Dealer?

This happened to me just a few months ago, on my third trip to Germany. Apparently American Airlines doesn't fly to Munich, so we had to connect through London Heathrow and lay over for several hours before British Airways took us the rest of the way.

Anyways, while we were laying over, I had a crazy urge: to leave the airport, cash in my retirement account, and go buy a Peugeot 308. Maybe a Peugeot 107, who knows? I'm an American, we're not used to Peugeots. But I do have fond memories of them from my time in France. I also have fond memories of girls not wearing their tops on the beach, but that is an entirely different story.

And you may be asking yourself, Bart, you're in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, why not get a Jaguar, or an Aston Martin, or a Bentley, or a McLaren? Those are at least native brands. I'm sure there's some sort of advantage in terms of taxes, or tariffs, or something. The answer: I don't know. When a man wants a Peugeot, he wants a Peugeot. Plus I was tired from flying, and going through customs.

I know that it makes little to no sense that I would be in a country for a few hours, only be a visitor (where the hell am I going to keep the car? I have no permanent address, no right of abode, and as far as I know, no property / ownership rights at all), and still want to buy an automobile. But I don't have to think about it. I just have to do it. It's the goddamned American way.

Well, in any case, you can go to Perrys to figure out where to find a car.

Bart is a Mad Man

2009-08-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

If you're as excited about the upcoming season of 'Mad Men' as I am, then you may want to avail yourself of the ability to "Man Men" yourself. It's like Simpsonizing yourself... only with 'Mad Men'.

Here was my attempt at doing myself:

Note the fact that I am both smoking a cigarette and holding a lit pipe. And wearing a bow tie. SWEET.

Mrs. Bart didn't think it was a good representation of me, so she did this version:

I don't know which is better. I guess I'm hard to make out of standard parts.

Although you know who looks good as a 'Mad Men' character? Mrs. Bart:

Ooh la la. Va va voom. Etc.

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The Dance

2009-08-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he
-Sydney Carter

--------------------

I honestly don't know how it happened.

Once upon a time, somewhere, somehow, I saw a dance move. If you want to call it that. Even if it is a legitimate move, when I do it, it looks ridiculous. It involves putting one hand behind your head, and the other hand grabs hold of your shin and pulls the leg up and back in a rhythmic motion... for someone who's graceful and coordinated it would probably look silly, but it usually makes me look like I'm possessed.

I rarely do it in front of anyone besides Mrs. Bart, and it usually causes her to laugh or immediately begin the mocking. Until recently, she swore that it was so terrible that I must have made it up.

That is, until we saw the second episode of Season 5 of 'Weeds'. To wit:

As soon as I saw this, I paused the recording, looked at Mrs. Bart, and yelled "YES! Oh my God, YES!" Because they were doing "the move". Here was definitive proof that I didn't make it up, unless I served as a choreographer for the show without anyone noticing. It's still odd, but it's there.

So, that's what I like to call my signature dance move. If anyone knows what it's actually called, or where it comes from, do me a favor and let me know.

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Weekend of abject laziness

2009-08-03T15:41:00.001-05:00

I had a pretty good weekend:

1. I finally saw 'Moon', which I thought was great. You can take a talented cast, modern technology and a not-huge budget and make a really cool flick with a classic sci-fi vibe. Opposing view came from Mrs. Bart, who said that even though it was a 97 minute movie, she wanted 3 hours of her life back. Try not to be shocked that she didn't love it. Maybe I'll make her sit through 'G.I. Joe' next weekend just to teach her a lesson.

Saw trailers for 2 music-related documentaries - one about a soul concert just before the Rumble in the Jungle, and the other about Robert Page, The Edge, and Jack White getting together to jam and talk about guitars. We were trying to figure out why those trailers came before this movie, but then realized it's because 'Moon' was an arthouse flick. We were getting some culture in.

Trailer I did not appreciate: '2012'. Look, end-of-world movies can be exciting, but here's the problem: there's a lot of stupid people out there. Plenty of people will see this and think that planets are going to align and this will somehow cause the earth to melt, or something. There are people still freaking out over 'Armageddon' (or more specifically, over the idea of a huge asteroid hitting earth), and that was 11 years ago. I'm not saying we need a disclaimer on the movie, but maybe the marketing tactic of saying "this is information from the ancient Mayans, and they sure knew their shit, except the part about smallpox" isn't the best. Market it as fiction.

On the other hand, if people are going to be freaking out about the end of the world in a few years, I need to save up so I can buy their stuff for cheap. Maybe start fabricating amulets or magic wands. There's always some profit potential when people are staring a phony armageddon in the face. I mean, hell, the Y2K bug was probably the closest we're ever going to come to a catastrophe of that magnitude, and we did just fine.

2. I caught up on 'Weeds' - last 2 episodes of Season 4, and the first 8 episodes of Season 5. Whatever issues I had with storyline and quality in Season 4, it's behind us now. The show is now rocking.

Something so tremendously awesome happened while watching 'Weeds' that I can't describe it now. I need to do a little video editing before I can share with you. Rest assured, it is coming soon.

What didn't I do this weekend? A little something called "mowing the yard", and it's too bad, because the weather was nice, and it looks like it's going to be stupidly hot this week.

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The Big Reveal!

2009-07-29T19:22:00.000-05:00

I put yesterday's blog challenge up on Facebook, because it's more likely to get comments that way. And guess what: the first guess right out of the gate was spot on. Jaime, here's a special a treat just for you!

I'm not sure what about the invitation screamed "funeral home / cemetery", but apparently it did. Yes, my little suburb opened its first cemetery, owned by the city, complete with its own funeral home. All embalming and cremation done on site! Very exciting. It's good tax revenue for the city, apparently. I may have even mentioned it during my ill-fated run for city council, I'm that much of a visionary.

Honestly, though, who would bring their goddamn kids to a cemetery grand opening / open house? I know it's clip art, but how appropriate is it, really? How "fun-filled" is this open house? Storytelling? Crafts? Tours? "Look, kids, that's where they'll stick mommy's pine box and turn her into a pile of ash!" If the refreshments included kool-aid, how many bad Jim Jones jokes do you think went down? "Oh, trying to drum up some business, eh?" Sweet Jesus.

I've driven past the place. It's OK looking, nothing special. On the other hand, after watching the latest episode of 'True Blood', I wanted to figure out where the hell the church being used by the Fellowship of the Sun is located. Turns out it's one of the chapels at Rose Hills in Whittier, CA. Funerals may be horribly overpriced, but when they pay for a park-like property like that, I feel better about it.

I need to talk to someone and figure out how this thing went down. I'm guessing "sparsely attended" and "a little creepy" are somewhere in the description.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, and it was perfectly fine. Maybe the local columbarium is going to be the most relaxing place in the world to go, hang out, forget your troubles, and kick back a cold one. Maybe. But I'm not holding my breath. ('Cause I'm not trying to drum up business.)

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Fun for the whole family? You decide.

2009-07-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

Check out this grand opening invitation. I've cleared out the pertinent information, so all you're left with is a template.

Your goal, dear reader: guess what kind of business is being grandly opened. Submit your guess as a comment.

I'll give the answer tomorrow, but for now let me say I love the generic quality of the invitation. "Music by Local Groups." Johnny, don't you have a few CDs by Local Groups? Yeah, Mom, I saw Local Groups in concert like 2 months ago. They're awesome.

Anyways, let me know what you think.

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The Attorney Employment Act of 2009, Part 72

2009-07-22T21:54:00.001-05:00

I've only briefly mentioned this, but in case you didn't know, I am an arbitrator. Specifically, I am qualified to arbitrate property valuation disputes for appraisal districts in the state of Texas. This qualification comes courtesy of my real estate experience along with training in alternative dispute resolution, allowing me to be registered with the Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts Property Tax Division. If a property owner and an appraisal district can't agree on the value of a property for tax purposes, eventually the case can get appealed to binding arbitration. Each case presents a side and proposes a value, and the arbitrator decides what the value is. It can be one party's number or the other party's number, or a number in between.

As an aside, when I teach real estate principles, one of the earliest classes is the semester involves the criteria for getting a real estate license, along with exemptions to licensing. Makes sense, right? Well, one of the exemptions is that if you're a licensed attorney, you don't need a real estate license to practice real estate. At that point, I like to joke that since most lawmakers are lawyers, they like to write in opportunities for their future employment. Seriously, the law is littered with exemptions for attorneys. I guess the underlying assumption is that attorneys know everything. Must be one of the benefits of a Socratic education.

This is partly a snarky little joke, but mostly true, because if you knew the number of mediation rosters where the only requirement was "be a licensed attorney", you'd be sick. You'd especially be sick if you got a master's degree in dispute resolution from Pepperdine, and then were told you couldn't be a mediator in certain states or for certain courts because you weren't an attorney. Fortunately that ain't me. I got my master's degree in a practical field :)

Back to the subject at hand. I recently decided to check on the Texas legislature's web site to see if any changes have been made to the enabling legislation that started this arbitration process. The session is wrapping up, so I thought this was as good a time as any to check. I remembered that during the last legislative session there was an attempt to add some continuing education requirements to those wishing to stay on the arbitrator roster, which I wholeheartedly approve of.

After some searching, I managed to figure out that yes, a bill had been passed that amended this section of the tax code. Notable changes made:

1. CPAs can now be arbitrators (previously you needed a real estate license or appraiser's license to be an arbitrator)
2. Continuing education requirement (good, good)
3. Established a minimum experience requirement for CPAs, real estate licensees, or appraisers wishing to be on the roster (good idea, plus it's not so lengthy of an experience requirement that I'd be knocked off, so OK)
4. ATTORNEYS CAN NOW BE ARBITRATORS

You can guess which change caught my eye.

Not only can attorneys now be registered as arbitrators for these kinds of disputes, they don't have to have any experience or training in dispute resolution, they don't have to have any real estate experience, and they don't have a minimum experience requirement like CPAs or real estate professionals.

Great. The Attorney Employment Act strikes again.

What's the practical impact of this change on me? Probably not good, since attorneys who want to bolster their "I can be a judge too" resume can now sign up for the arbitrator roster and gum up the works. Sure, in 2012 they'll have to take some continuing education, but they have to do that anyways for their law license, and it's not too hard to find continuing legal hours that cover arbitration. Meanwhile, right now I can't find an arbitration continuing education class that would count towards my real estate license if I needed to. (I guess this legislation will create a market for it, so that's not a bad thing.)

As far as case volume, I've been on the roster for a couple of years, have been assigned 4 cases, and only one made it to the hearing stage. Double or triple the number of arbitrators on the roster, and that doesn't bode well for anyone's case volume.

Let's face it. Real estate professionals are used to determining the value of real estate. Attorneys, by and large, are not. At the end of the day, that's what these hearings are about: determining value. Who's going to do a better job?

Oh wait, I forgot. Once you have a J.D. you're an expert on everything. My bad.

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Bad writing alert! (Thanks, Associated Press.)

2009-07-20T09:34:00.001-05:00

While reading this article about Hillary Clinton's visit to India, so much bad writing jumped out at me that I just had to share it with you. Apparently the AP no longer has editors.

First, I notice that she's back to Hillary Rodham Clinton. Wasn't she just Hillary Clinton during the primary? It's hard to keep track.

You might wonder where she was speaking in Mumbai:

"Speaking at a news conference on the pool side patio of the Taj Mahal Palace & Hotel, which was strewn with bodies after terrorists attacked this coastal city last November..."

Sweet Jesus, the patio was still strewn with bodies? It's like 8 months later. Maybe they had a hard time retaining janitorial staff after the attack. I would have had my news conference at a non-body-strewn part of the hotel, but that's just me.

If the AP still had editors, they might have changed it to something like:

"Speaking at a news conference at the Taj Mahal Palace & Hotel, which was the subject of a terrorist attack last November..."

Here was another great line. This isn't bad writing per se, but it's written in code:

"Her voice rising, Clinton insisted that the U.S. demand for international action against terrorist should not be taken lightly."

"Her voice rising"? You mean "Her voice rapidly becoming shrill and unbearably strident..." I just did a search for "Hillary Clinton" & shrill and came back with 65,700 hits. That's fewer than I thought. There were 44,200 hits for "Hillary Clinton" & strident, and a mere 27,700 for "Hillary Clinton" & shrew.

I did enjoy that, like China, India is giving a big "screw you" to Democratic calls for capping carbon emissions. Because let's face it: as the earth continues to cool, now more than ever we need carbon emissions to help keep us warm.

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Supreme Court nominee hearing drinking game

2009-07-13T12:24:00.001-05:00

I tried to think up a good drinking game for the Supreme Court nomination hearings, but as they're so slow and boring, who would want to keep up?

Instead, try this: if the nominee does not say "stare decisis is not an inexorable command," I'll buy you a beer the next time I see you.

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Sweet! Buno's out!

2009-07-10T14:10:00.001-05:00

Oh man, I am so freaking excited. Today is the big release of Bruno! I mean, after hearing about it for months (seems like years!), the anticipation, the waiting, it's all over - time to get my ass to the movies, but I'm leaving my ass there, 'cause it's going to be laughed off!

Oh wait, I just remembered that I don't give a good god damn about Bruno. I must have been thinking about another movie.

Here's the real plan: see Moon this weekend, now that it's in wider release. Next weekend, see the new Harry Potter (preferably in IMAX). The Time Traveler's Wife on August 14, and Inglourious Basterds on August 21. Maybe G.I. Joe, if it's not too much of an abortion (how's that for setting the bar low?). If I can squeeze in Away We Go, Whatever Works, or (500) Days of Summer, so be it.

I've got Run Fatboy Run on DVD at home waiting to be watched. You think I'm going to go slumming with Bruno when I've got top-notch stuff at home? Screw that noise.

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Convenient for whom: the mystery of the mini Starbucks gift card

2009-07-08T22:57:00.001-05:00

I was in a Starbucks recently. The only reason I got into Starbucks lately (rather than taking the drive-through) is to get a Song of the Week card. Look, if they want to give me free music, I'll take it. Or, I'll go in if I want to see what's in the baked goods case. The problem with their baked goods is now that they're complying with New York City's no-trans-fats or triglycerides or whatever-the-hell-NYC-is-banning-in-food rules, all their baked goods everywhere kind of suck. So thanks, City of New York, for ruining snack time all across America.

At any rate, I was in Starbucks, and I noticed that there's a new option for your Starbucks gift card: you can get it in keychain size. It's smaller, and there's a little hole in one corner.

My first thought was, how convenient! My second thought was, that's the least convenient thing I've ever seen.

I foresee 2 scenarios where you'd want to use a gift card at Starbucks. And before I kick those scenarios off, I'm going to assume that most people are like me, in that they have separate key chains for their car key / remote control, and their house & other miscellaneous keys. If you're one of these types that has only one key ring, God bless you, you're a better person than I am. For the rest of us, I'm assuming 2 rings.

Scenario 1: the drive-through. You pull up & want to pay using your handy gift-card-on-your-key-ring. But where is it? If it's on your car key ring, it's dreadfully inconvenient to hand that to the barista through the window, seeing as you'd have to turn your car off and remove the key. If it's on your house / other key ring, you have to fish in your purse of pocket for the keys, and that's no more difficult than fishing for your wallet and your regular gift card.

Scenario 2: the order-in. You don't have to worry about a card, but the result is the same in that it's just as easy to reach for your wallet as your key ring.

So who are the people that Starbucks hopes will pick up these new gift cards? Did their marketing research tell them that there's an entire untapped market that, once they have the option of putting their gift cards on their key rings, will start spending money at Starbucks willy-nilly? Or, does the CEO's nephew work for the company that makes these key ring gift cards, and this is some sweet nepotism in action?

I'll leave that question to the corporate watch dogs. I'm sure they'll get on this right after the worldwide financial crisis is tied down.

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Bad news for Minneapolis tourism

2009-07-07T23:25:00.001-05:00

Mrs. Bart and I just pulled the trigger on a trip to Minneapolis / St. Paul (the "Sin Cities" - if you don't get that reference then I have a DVD you need to borrow) in early September. Plus side: the weather should be nice. Down side: I don't have high hopes for their tourism options.

That's because when I pulled up the Convention & Visitor's Bureau web site, there was a big section encouraging locals to be tourists in their hometown. And as I've previously noted, that's a bad sign.

One thing I could do: visit my chosen suburb in the Twin Cities, Little Canada. Enjoy a crepe and some lacrosse.

Perhaps I could visit the office of new U.S. Senator Al Smalley. Stewart Franken? Whoever. The guy with creepy little Daschle glasses.

There's the enormous mall... intellectually it doesn't seem like a must-see, but maybe it's one of those "must be seen to be believed" things.

Any ideas? Any Twin City afficionados in the audience?

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Religion quiz

2009-07-06T21:16:00.002-05:00

How did I score on an online religion quiz? Visit Mormania to find out!

Best fake podcast ever

2009-07-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

This may be a little too "inside baseball", in that it's "inside Los Angeles talk radio", but you really should take a listen to the Fake Leykis Podcast.

It's not the real Tom Leykis, who for years taught young men not to knock women up, get married before age 30, or spend more than $40 on a date. Rather, it's Fake Tom Leykis (aka self-deprecating comedic genius Brian David Whitman) doing fake interviews, laughing inanely, busting out with additional dead-on impressions, and calling all women bitches. I burst into uncontrollable laughter several times today listening to the two episodes that are currently available.

You don't have to be familiar with the Tom Leykis oeuvre in order to appreciate the keen parody, but familiarity adds several layers of enjoyment for me. (I'm also familiar with the Leykis parody, as Fake Leykis frequently called into the Adam Carolla radio show on KLSX to laugh at tragic news stories. Genius.)

Do yourself a favor and subscribe on iTunes today. If you enjoy, send the man a few ducats via PayPal.

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4th fun on the 3rd

2009-07-03T22:47:00.001-05:00

My suburb had its Independence Day festival tonight. I don't normally enjoy outdoor activities in the summer, but this started at 7, Mrs. Bart sneaked in some frozen booze (sangria, if you must know) and we enjoyed the polka style of the Brave Combo. All in all a very enjoyable evening.

My plans for the actual 4th of July? Swimming, grilling up some kosher hot dogs, and smoking Cuban cigars. Suck it, Johnny Law. This is America.

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A friendly word from your friendly blogger

2009-07-02T17:54:00.001-05:00

Hello, friends. It's your old pal Bart here, from This Man Must Be Stopped.com.

If you're anything like me, you enjoy flash-based games such as those on the Homestar Runner web site.

And, if you're anything like me, you also delight in the zany antics of Jesse Thorn and Jordan Morris on the wonderful podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go!. Except when they don't have enough sense to realize that the Danny DeVito Limoncello ad is a clever visual pun: he's not holding a lyre, or a mysterious Italian string instrument of undetermined make / model; it's a freaking cello! Lemon... cello... Limoncello!

Sorry, friends, I got a little sidetracked.

Well, as I said, if you're anything like me, and enjoy the previous things I've named, then you'll love the Jordan, Jesse Game! It's flash-based, which we've already established you like, and it's based on Jordan, Jesse, Go! Follow their wacky adventures from the comfort of your own screen.

Need further proof? How's about this here screen shot from the game?

Yes, that's Jordan and Jesse (holding his dog) aboard an alien spaceship speaking via view-screen with none other than John Hodgman! Notice the bottle of Dan Aykroyd Crystal Head Vodka and the picture of a hobo behind John Hodgman. That's the kind of detail you just won't get in other flash-based games that aren't based on the Jordan, Jesse, Go! podcast.

Now, I'm not saying this game is the next 'The Force Unleashed' or anything. Heck, it's not even the next 'Shadows of the Empire'. For one, both of those are Star Wars games, and this is based on a podcast. And it's in public beta at the moment. Still, there's worse things you could be doing with your time. Trust me.

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Holiday weekend no-nos

2009-07-01T16:29:00.001-05:00

I love the predictability of local news during the runup to the July 4th weekend. You'll always hear the same stories / advice:

1. Don't shoot off your own fireworks - it's illegal / too dry out!

2. It'll be hot, so stay cool!

2a. Turn on your air conditioners, old people, or else go someplace like the mall that's already air conditioned!

3. Boat safety!

4. Grill safety!

5. Grilling while boating safety!

6. Watch the kids while they're swimming!

7. Don't shoot your guns into the air! It's illegal / too dry out! (What we really mean: you're in America now, not your horrible homeland where that behavior is tolerated.)

You might even get a mention of the "summer driving season" and hear complaints about gas prices. Doesn't matter what the price is, if you take a camera crew to a gas station, within 5 minutes you can find someone to complain.

Either this is important information that we need to have drilled into our skulls year after year, or it's the result of a lazy news media during a typically slow part of the news year. If it's the former, can we find less obnoxious ways of communicating this to the people that need to know it? (Incidentally, how many times do we need to tell people not to do something that's already illegal?) If it's the latter, and we really don't need to add this "advice" to the background noise of our daily lives, let's agree to pick a grade when kids need to learn this, and do it then. That way the grownups can avoid having someone advise them to stay cool when it's hot outside.

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My own Michael Jackson weirdness

2009-06-26T16:18:00.001-05:00

Sure, Michael Jackson's all over the news today. But there's some weird stuff going on with Jacko and the Bartman. In a way, his death was like the capstone of my most Michael Jackson-intensive week ever.

Item #1: on Monday, I was listening to the latest episode of Doug Benson's delightful podcast, I Love Movies. It's a simple enough concept - he brings guests onstage at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater and talks about movies. The guests range from people you've never heard of to Kevin Pollak, Sarah Silverman, and Jon Hamm. The guests you've not heard of are generally funny. Except the women, who tend to be airheads. At any rate, the conversation turned to Francis Ford Coppola, because he's got a new movie coming out, and Doug Benson revealed that he'd been a backup dancer in 'Captain EO'. "What the hell is 'Captain EO'", you may wonder. Oh, it was the Francis Ford Coppola-directed, Michael Jackson-starring short film that was made for Disney theme parks. It looks incredibly bizarre.

Apparently the story with backup dancing was that the movie went over-budget, so Coppola had to fire the professional backup dancers and just brought in anyone he could find. That's how a pothead comedian with no discernable coordination ended up as a dancer. While describing his experience, Doug said "Oh yeah, Michael Jackson was definitely a child molester." Because any time he wasn't filming, he had a young child on his lap, and they were whispering to each other and giggling.

So that's Michael Jackson item #1. A random call-back to a weird 20-year-old Disney theme park video.

Item #2: whilst listening to the Pretty Good Podcast on Wednesday, the hosts started talking about how much each of them loves the Michael Jackson song 'Stranger in Moscow'. I'm not familiar, but at the end of the podcast they play some of it, and I think, hmm, I like it. It's un-Michael-Jackson-y. Kind of like people who don't like Woody Allen movies like 'Match Point', I'm not a big Jacko fan, but right then & there I downloaded 'Stranger in Moscow' on my iPhone. (Later I was trying to decide if I'd ever owned any Michael Jackson music, but I think as a kid I had a 7-inch record of 'Thriller'. Christ, if that doesn't date me, nothing does.)

Item #3: Jacko dies on Thursday.

So, there you have it. My most Jacko-intensive week ever. Ne'er to be beaten, thanks to his untimely demise.

Say what you will, my first thought when I heard the guy was dead was: that's a relief. Not for me, but for him. In the same way that when someone who's terminally ill dies, I think, well, at least they're not horribly suffering any more.

If you want a proper tribute, go read Roger Ebert.

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Numismatic Devilry

2009-06-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Ack! I failed in my attempts to buy silver coins in Germany (which you're supposed to be able to get directly from banks), and I didn't manage to get a 5-euro commemorative coin I was looking for in The Netherlands.

But now, after my unprecedented level of travel to Europe, you can buy gold from a vending machine in the Frankfurt airport.

Dammit, Europe! Get your crap together. Either that, or America, get your crap together.

I need a Morning Martini.

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Whorin' and Smokin' in Amsterdam

2009-06-18T17:29:00.001-05:00

I'm going to work a little bit backwards in my trip recap. Last things first: Amsterdam. Mrs. Bart and I had a 1-night stopover in Amsterdam on our way back from Turkey. It was purely a logistical thing, since we were flying KLM. Still, I was interested to see this fabled city. Crazy architecture! Below sea level! Legalized prostitution! Bland food! Weed! Oh snap, I was going to break it the F off, Holland-style.

It was a long day - we had to wake up early in southern Turkey, get on a bus, drive an hour to the airport, check our bags, fly to Istanbul, pick up and recheck our bags, and fly again. By the time we got to Amsterdam it was 6 PM local time, and it was cold and rainy. I was still in Mediterranean dress mode.

I was highly amused, however, while standing in line to get my passport stamped.

We were in the "non-EU" line, behind a couple of Aussies (bearded, crazy hair, wearing shorts and sandals) and the most bizarre American or Canadian I've ever seen. This cat was tall, blond, wearing a gray suit, white dress shoes, and had a pair of pink sunglasses on his head. Not fancy sunglasses, either; think plastic, mid-80s style. Maybe that's fashionable now (again?), but they looked pretty damn stupid. He was guy / dude / bro-ing it up with the Aussies, talking about hitting bars and picking up chicks, and I'm thinking, OK, if they let this jerkoff into the country, they ought to pay me to come in just to balance out their society.

Passport was no problem (because I live in a GOOD country), and we picked up our bags and made our way to the airport hotel. We'd reasoned that, no matter what, it would be better to have a short distance to haul our bags if we decided to go into town. Plus, there's a train station right there at the airport, so we're near a surface transportation hub.

We checked in, heard a cute little Dutchette lilt out some English in an adorable accent, and headed up to the room to plan our assault on this capital of Euro-depravity.

We didn't make it out of the hotel.

I think we have a decent excuse. In all likelihood, that excuse is called the KLM Airlines butter snack cake. We decided it's the only thing in the preceding 48 hours that Mrs. Bart had eaten and I hadn't. In any case, something made Mrs. Bart violently ill, so we didn't get to venture out.

I'm not proud of the following, but I'll go ahead and admit it: while Mrs. Bart was illin', I started thinking, hmm, I could just take a train into Amsterdam by myself. I quickly decided it wouldn't be cool (with her or me), but the thought crossed my mind.

The next morning, heading back to the check-in area at the airport, I had another unwelcome thought as I passed through the train station. Seeing all the boards showing the destinations, and the times the trains were leaving, I thought, I don't have to get on the plane back to Dallas. I could just hop a train, go as far and as long as my credit cards'll take me... some classic end-of-vacation thinking.

Needless to say we got on the flight, and had a most unpleasant time, as Mrs. Bart was still feeling awful and now had the added benefit of blaming her condition on the airline. Yep, that's one of the crappiest 10-hour stretches I've ever sat through. Although we did get to watch 'The Watchmen' and 'Quantum of Solace'.

So thanks a ton, KLM. Not only did I not get to whore or smoke it up in Amsterdam, now my wife has totally ruled out your country for future vacations, layovers, connections, or international relocation. Now I'm stuck with goddamn Belgium. I hope you're happy, 'cause I'm not.

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Bart: Cola Turka pitchman

2009-06-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

Hey friends, it's your old pal Bart from ThisManMustBeStopped.com. You know, whenever I'm in Turkey, or just hanging out with Turkish friends overseas, I like to satisfy my thirst with a refreshing Cola Turka. Just open a moderately cold can, take a drink, and you'll say, "Mmm! Turkish!"

So remember, when you've got a Turk-sized thirst, and there's Turks watching you, forget those other sodas. Reach for the refreshing, Turkish cola: Cola Turka!

But don't take my word for it. Ask Turkish culture enthusiast Chevy Chase:

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"Community" has it all

2009-06-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

I would pre-set my TiVo to record this show if it was working. (Actually, the TiVo is working fine, I just need a digital adapter to make it work with the Verizon Fios service, and I don't much feel like paying Verizon anything extra.)

Seriously, though, this show has everything I want in television:

1. It's on free TV
2. Joel McHale (since I don't get cable, I never saw The Soup, but he was a regular guest on Adam Carolla's radio show)
3. Chevy Chase
4. Community college, and the numerous comedic opportunities afforded therein.

Now, when meeting Joel McHale or Chevy Chase, I'll have an "in". "You know, I teach at a community college. Like on that show you were on..." Yeah, that'll be a winning conversational gambit.

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Turkey, cont.

2009-06-02T13:26:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow we're leaving Istanbul (sigh, it's been nice) and heading out to a Mediterranean resort in southern Turkey. I don't know if this is the best part, but it's an interesting part: we've been told that 90% of the guests at this resort will be Russians. And those mofos know how to party. It is going to be ON, Vladivostok-style!

Turk-blogging

2009-05-29T03:38:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Bart and I are now in Turkey for our 10th anniversary blowout trip. As per usual, traveling was hectic / stressful, but the weather is gorgeous here (it's like the San Francisco of the Mediterranean basin). So far, everyone we've run into has spoken English, which is a plus because you don't want to hear my Turkish. "Er, merhaba, mi amigo, je voudrais bir kebap, danke schon." Yeah, when I don't know a word in a foreign language, I revert to either French or Spanish. Bad times.

Photo uploading will have to wait until I get back, but it should be picturesque as hell.

FYI, since all European Coke is made with sugar instead of corn syrup, I've taken to calling it "Passover Coke". And hence I have to have some, since it's limited edition. I'll swich back to Diet in the U.S. Plus, there's a lot of walking here, I may need the kilo-calories. (Or the enerji, as it's labeled on Turkish Coke.)

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10 Years of Prequels

2009-05-20T17:23:00.001-05:00

I guess I'm off by a day, but we're at the 10th anniversary of the release of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 10 years of prequels. And counting.

I believe I saw the flick with Mrs. Bart (although she wouldn't be Mrs. Bart for a few more days at that point), my sister, and pal TQ. I remember coming out with a sinking feeling, insisting that it was a fun flick and totally in the spirit of the original Star Wars trilogy, while the other 3 attendees looked down their noses at me with a mixture of pity and scorn. My God, the scorn!

I've said it before & I'll say it again: if you haven't heard John Hodgman's thoughts about The Phantom Menace on This American Life, you're missing out. Click here to access the full episode, streaming, for free. Fast forward to the good part.

I will say this for the prequels: over the past 3 years, I've probably spent more time watching the prequels than I have watching the original trilogy. But that's partly because I've watched the originals so many times that they're indelibly imprinted into my brain. So why not watch Attack of the Clones every now and then? If you skip the parts where Anakin is either angry or pitching woo to Pad-mizzle, that helps. A lot.

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The good ship Badonkadonk

2009-05-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I'll pass something while driving and think, damn, I wish I could take a picture of that.

That happened today, but traffic eventually slowed, then stopped, and I was able to get the picture. Behold!

Aye, the Badonkadonk. She be a yar vessel, keel straight as the coxswain's yardarm.

I've been asking myself questions about the naming of this ship all day. One I keep coming back to: what guy decided this would be a great name (and trust me when I say "guy", because no woman was involved in this process), and which of his drunk-ass friends gave the idea an enthusiastic thumbs up?

Much like strange quarks and dark matter, perhaps the mystery behind the naming of the S. S. Badonkadonk should remain a mystery. There is such a thing as knowing too much.

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Say what? New Podcast episode!

2009-05-18T22:57:00.001-05:00

See that link on the side of the page that says "subscribe to my podcast in iTunes"? (Or something like that. I'm not actually looking at my web page right now. That's a web 1.0 mentality.)

Well, there's a brand-spanking-new podcast episode up right now! Check that crap out and let me know what you think!

Bonus for me: I finally got to use 'Das Schutzenfest' from my Faith No More EP.

I'm listening to the new episode now, in fact. I need to stop clicking my tongue.

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Star Trek this Saturday!

2009-05-13T19:20:00.001-05:00

OK, blog readers, here's the plan. Star Trek. IMAX. Webb Chapel & LBJ. Saturday. 1:30 PM. Don't worry that you'll be missing out on some Saturday afternoon leisure time; Accuweather.com describes the weather on Sunday as "beautiful". Saturday'll be stormy. Make the right choice.

Buy yer tickets now! Click on this link. (No, I don't get a cut. Link provided solely for your benefit.)

See you at the freaking movie!

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Modes of address

2009-05-13T17:42:00.001-05:00

I recently corresponded with a Quaker, and he began his letter to me with "Friend Bart...." I thought that was pretty cool. Not quite up to the coolness level of an Amish guy calling you "English", but still pretty cool.

I don't think I've received any correspondence addressing me as "Reverend", although if I officiate any more weddings I may have to insist on it.

I've given some occasional thought to joining the Civil Air Patrol. With my teaching experience & master's degree, I could join as an aerospace educator with the rank of Captain, then switch to the "do-nothing-but-pay-annual-dues" squadron. When I accumulate enough time in grade I could switch back to an active unit to get a promotion, then go back to the do-nothing squadron, repeating the process all the way up to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. Then I could start my own fried chicken restaurant.

I occasionally get "Professor" at school, usually via e-mail. In class I'm just "Bart" or occasionally "Mister Bart" (I love black people!), which is fine with me. I generally don't have the energy to behave in an appropriately professorial manner, unless you count absentmindedness and a lack of interest in my students as professorial. In which case I'm Ivy League.

I don't think I've ever been addressed as "Judge" or "Your Honor", which is probably a good thing since I'm occasionally an Arbitrator, which is not a Judge. Although my best case scenario in an arbitration would be for someone to begin a sentence with "Your honor..." and I interrupt them with "Look, I'm not a judge, and this is not a trial. It's a hearing. And my word is law. But I'm still not a judge."

I think the coolest way I've ever been addressed is when I was corresponding with a guy in Japan. He called me "Bart-san." Now that was freaking sweet.

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Numismatic failures

2009-05-12T12:09:00.001-05:00

I had 3 numismatic goals during my European weekends, developed after weekend #1:

1. Obtain a roll of 2 cent euro coins. So I could give people "my 2 cents". Hokey, but cheap.

2. Obtain a 10 euro silver coin. All countries in the euro zone produce silver & gold commemorative coins, but according to my research, Germany is the only country where you can walk into a bank and exchange 10 euros in cash for a 10 euro silver coin at face value. That strikes me as much more civilized than minting a coin with a face value of $5 and selling it for $20 because that's what the metal is actually worth. (Just adjust the weight of the freaking coin!)

3. Obtain a set of the new pence coins in the UK (since we had a stopover at Heathrow in weekend #3). These are circulating coins and are way cool - click here to see.

In Munich, Mrs. Bart and I actually passed a bank during banking hours (rare, given our travel schedules) so I went in, found an employee that spoke English, and asked if they carried the 10 euro coins. She looked at me like I was from the moon (or possibly Jewish), checked with someone, and then told me she had no idea what I was talking about. I left disheartened and without bullion. Thanks, Deutsche Bank.

Goal #2: Epic Fail. "Epic" because this involved interaction with someone.

In Heathrow, all the coins I got as change were the old-style coins. I didn't have the heart to ask anyone at a currency exchange desk whether they had the newer coins.

Goal #3: Fail. Passive failure.

While in the bank in Munich, I should have asked for a roll of the 2 cent coins, but by then I'd been disheartened, so I didn't want to bother.

Goal #1: Fail. Passive failure.

So, I did not meet my goals. I have a goal for a stopover in the Netherlands coming in June, but I'm guessing I won't have much more luck with that than I did my other ones. It kind of sucks when you don't know the language, aren't assertive, and are easily discouraged.

On a more positive note, my primary goal on these trips was to have a good time. I can always buy coins online at ridiculously inflated prices, whereas I can't go back in time and enjoy myself if I was miserable.

Numismatic goals: failures. Life goals: working on it.

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Travel update, and a Star Trek-based request

2009-05-11T13:59:00.001-05:00

I'll start with the request first, in case you don't want to read my ramblings. (But if that's the case, why are you here at all?)

Yes, I want to watch Star Trek in IMAX. Here's the question: would you fellow readers prefer a late-night weeknight showing? Or, a mid-day weekend showing? I fear everything else will be sold out, and I would like to watch the flick sooner rather than later. Leave a comment with your thoughts.

Update on crazy-travel:

The 3-weekend crazy-travel extravaganza has wrapped up. Hooray! However, it did not work quite as I would have thought. For starters, American is several days in arrears in terms of posting their flight info. So, even though I knew on a certain flight I'd be "going gold", that won't be reflected on my account for several days. Boo.

The other downside is that the special double-point promotion designed to make me Gold the second weekend and Platinum the third doesn't kick in until the end of June. That is, the bonus points won't post until then. So while I will be Gold sometime this week, it will be a while until my Platinum status is active. Mrs. Bart will likely rocket from Gold to Executive Platinum in one fell swoop around the same time.

The flights and trips generally went well. Munich was a delightful place. I would be fine not seeing Frankfurt again, although many of the little towns surrounding it deserve some exploration. But while Munich's transit system is as delightful as the city, Frankfurt's is screwy due to it being on the border of two provinces. So if I did a Frankfurt-area exploration, I would need to rent a car, breaking my longstanding ban on driving in foreign countries.

Only one major travel snafu: last night, our flight from Boston to Dallas was canceled. This was especially vexing because prior to boarding our London to Dallas flight, Mrs. Bart had asked about the possibility of getting on a London to Dallas direct flight. It would have required major $ to get on, so we opted for our original itinerary. Which then got screwed.

Not to go on too much of a jag, but here's the way I see it: American wanted to make some revenue from us in exchange for the convenience of having just one flight. I can dig that. The price was too high, though, and we rejected their offer. So American had empty seats on their London to Dallas direct flight. Best-case scenario is that we lost some time, and American lost some revenue. However, when we got to Boston, we found that the last flight to Dallas for the day had been canceled. So American put us up in a hotel, gave us meal vouchers, and put us on the 6 AM flight to Dallas. So what had been a rather neutral event in London turned into a major screwing for American - they not only lost out on our revenue by pricing their London to Dallas ticket change too highly, but they lost money in Boston by putting us up in a hotel, providing meal vouchers, and losing out on seat space on the 6 AM flight that they could have sold to someone else (I know this because the 6 AM flight was way overbooked).

So here's my question, American: would it have been so much trouble just to let us fill some of those empty seats and getting us to our final destination? Heck, I would've paid $50 per head for the convenience factor, but not $250 per head. Instead, you probably lost more than that on the hotel, vouchers, and seats we were taking from potential customers. We should have demanded two hotel rooms; that would have been awesome. Multiply that by several hundred thousand passengers, and I can see why they're losing money.

The worst part is that I love Boston. If we had planned to spend the night in Boston, it would have been awesome. Instead, we were stressed the hell out and ate in the hotel. (The food was fine, mind you, but I could've gone for a hot lobster roll in town.)

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Overdoing it

2009-05-06T16:49:00.001-05:00

I'm a little weirded out that every major German city seems to have a "Jewish Museum". Admittedly, I also think it's weird that so many US cities have Holocaust museums, but with the Germans, it seems like they're overdoing it a bit.

Especially considering that the US actually has Jews. I guess Germany has some, too, but let's face it. They're not happy about it.

I told Mrs. Bart that Munich has the potential for a bad vibrations double-header: proximity to Dachau, and the location of the 1972 Olympics. Bad news for the Chosen People all around.

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Happy Star Wars Day!

2009-05-04T12:42:00.001-05:00

Happy Star Wars Day!

Arguably, more days than not are Star Wars Day for me. Still, it's nice to memorialize it.

This Friday is going to be Star Trek Day for shizzle, when the new prequel opens. Bad news: I'll be out of the country that weekend. (Same thing happened with Revenge of the Sith in '05...) Good news: since I live near an IMAX theater and want to see it there anyway, I need to wait at least a week before braving that particular crowd.

Attention DFW area blog readers: you're going to see Star Trek with me at the IMAX @ Webb Chapel & LBJ. It's good old-fashioned nerdy fun.

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Another go-round

2009-05-01T09:52:00.001-05:00

The problem with crazy-travel scheduling is that, when you're not crazy-traveling, or resting / recovering from crazy-traveling, you're working twice as hard at work to make up for the time you're not there. Because you were crazy-traveling.

Hence my lack of posting the last couple of days... we're leaving this afternoon for another go-round of the Frankfurt Shuffle. 18 hours on planes, 27 hours on the ground. Mrs. Bart is worried that they're going to detain us for being from a country near Mexico.

As far as the frequent flyer quest is concerned, this flight out would be the one that bumps us to gold status. However, that doesn't do much for you on an international flight.

Gotta pack... fortunately it's easy when you only need 1 change of clothes.

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You know you're in Germany when...

2009-04-28T12:47:00.001-05:00

...you have sausage with every meal.

No kiddin'. Every damn meal. We didn't even plan it that way; it just happened. Admittedly there were only 4 meals, but we were still batting 1000.

I accidentally tried to eat the staple on one end of a sausage. I didn't notice it at first, but I certainly noticed it when biting down. (Fortunately not too hard - I wouldn't know how to deal with a dental emergency in my country, much less another one.) But that's how you know it's genuine sausage - the casing is still stapled shut when it's put on your plate. Yum.

I'm aiming for some schnitzel this coming weekend, but if it's more cheese & sausage I won't complain. There's apparently something called "musical cheese", which is specifically designed to make you gassy. And I still need to get hold of some Apfelwein.

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Three Kinds of Languages

2009-04-27T23:07:00.002-05:00

I group spoken languages into three basic categories:

1. Languages I feel like I can get my head around, either because they're fairly simple or I'm used to them. Most of the Romance languages fall into this category.

2. Languages that sound like something out of Star Wars. I first had this revelation when listening to spoken Vietnamese, but I now include most Asian languages in this category. Any time the same word can drastically change meaning based on the inflection, I'm going to call that language a Star Wars language. No way I can understand them, because they sound made up.

3. Languages that sound like I should be able to understand them, but for some reason (hyper-agglutination, bizarre syntax, right-to-left writing style which I swear influences the speech patterns) pose enough of an obstacle that I can't quite get it. German, Dutch, Afrikaans, Turkish, and the Semitic languages are included in this category.

I thought about adding a fourth category, "Scary", just for Russian. I suspect it would fit rather well into either category #2 or #3 above, but I'm not sure which.

I'm glad that so many Germans speak English, because not only do I not understand German, but since it falls under category #3, I'm kicking myself because I think I should be able to do something about it.

Knowing next to nothing about the language, Mrs. Bart and I were able to get around fairly well this weekend, with only a couple of screwups. Again, thanks to their extensive use of English.

Most of the time when I'm overseas, I'm used to people sizing me up and starting out the conversation in English. In Germany, I was surprised that most people started off with German, and only switched to English when we asked if they shprechen-ed it. Either (a) I look German, (b) they figure I'm foreign but want to practice my German as much as possible, (c) they're all nihilists and don't give a crap, or (d) they hate foreigners. And Jews. I'm going for (d).

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Bad, good, and better news

2009-04-02T11:08:00.001-05:00

Bad news: 3 hours of 'ER' tonight.

Good news: No more 'ER' after tonight.

Better news: No more "this is the epic last season of 'ER', check it out, we're bringing back the shattered mortal remains of previous 'ER' cast members, except George Clooney" commercials.

Best news: New Amy Poehler TV show starting next week. Co-starring my personal favorite, Rashida Jones.

Art imitates Bart

2009-03-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

Back in 2007, I coined a new (at least as far as people writing things on the internet is concerned) phrase: "Darth Vader Crossing the Delaware".

This isn't the first time I've made history. I'm about to do it again. Last week, I made a nice little bon mot, and after about 5 minutes of asking "who was that guy that wrote Swimming to Cambodia, or Walking to Cambodia, or whatever the hell that was?" and finding out the answer was Spalding Gray, I boldly declared "I'm the Spalding Gray of this shit." My little shout-out to the late grate O.D.B. Obviously, it would have been way more awesome if I'd have remembered his name right away. And yes, if you're wondering, per Google, I'm the first person ever to write that phrase on the internet.

Back to Darth Vader Crossing the Delaware. I coined the phrase in early 2007. In July of 2008, a web site ran a contest to encourage people to combine Star Wars with great works of art. Guess what one of the entries was?

Oh snap. It is Darth f-ing Vader crossing the mother f-ing Delaware. Sometimes life imitates art, but now art is clearly imitating Bart.

Here's some of the other ones I enjoyed. This was was kind of obvious:

No, not Padme!

This one makes me laugh every time: Jabba the Lutheran.

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Who watches the Watchmen?

2009-03-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

I watch the Watchmen! Along with ol' pal Lt. Kevin.

We decided this was one flick that was worthy of IMAX, so like all good things (such as a fine bottle of wine, or sex before marriage, or a particularly virile pustule), we decided that waiting to do it right would make it even more meaningful. So last night we IMAX'd the everlovin' hell out of the Watchmen, and boy was it worth it. You feel the thuds of head against brick; you can hear the blood splashing.

Actually, that level of hi-def is a mixed bag. Incredibly detailed girl-nipples: good. Incredibly detailed man-ass (or glowing blue man-dong): not so good. For me at least. There'll be plenty of ladies clamoring to see the glowing blue man-dong.

Mrs. Bart was supposed to join us, but she had some lame excuse. Furthering her education, or some such B.S. Good news: we'll be watching the Watchmen this weekend. Probably in standard-def, though.

Here's my conundrum. I thought the movie's title sequence was ridiculously, stupendously awesome. Like, in the original sense of the word, in that it filled me with awe. The filmmaker took a crapload of back story and you're like, yeah, I get an idea of where they're coming from. Mmm, that's good alternate history.

Back to the conundrum. The title sequence was so good, that I'm tempted to show it to Mrs. Bart. No, to make her watch it. Like, bitch, I'm propping your eyes open, Clockwork Orange-style, and you're taking this shit in. However, knowing Mrs. Bart, there's an 80% likelihood that doing that will cause her to (a) say she's changed her mind about seeing the movie, or (b) say she's disappointed with the rest of the movie, because it wasn't exactly like the title sequence. I think that after the movie she'll enjoy a good title sequence re-watch, but prior to, taken out of context, she might not dig it like I think she should. (The nerve.)

I do have one gripe with the movie. The more Adrian Veidt was talking, I had to wonder: is he supposed to have a faint trace of some kind of accent? Or is that a really subtle gay lisp? I felt like the inflection was fluctuating a little in the denouement. I guess I'll pay more attention during the second watching.

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Gettin' limoncelloey wit' it

2009-03-05T19:58:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we went out to eat with some friends at Buca di Beppo. It's pretty good Italian food, but the cool part is when you book the kitchen table - it's a circular booth in the kitchen, and you get to see all the dishes coming out. And the smells. My god, the smells! It's like a show. At one point, a good dozen plates of fried calamari were lined up.

From a previous visit, I knew that limoncello was a dessert item, and I joked with one of the other people htere that we would definitely need some of that. It's not a Bart classic, but in the realm of liqueurs it's one that I don't mind.

Well, we get to the restaurant, I open up the menu, and what do I see looking back at me?

Danny mother-effing DeVito brand limoncello. WTF!?

I started laughing, remembering discussing his limoncello-fueled appearance on The View a few years ago. While discussing the drink and the appearance with Mrs. Bart, the question came up: which came first, the DeVito-branded limoncello or the limoncello-fueled appearance on the View?

Mrs. Bart thought that showing up drunk would be an interesting way to promote the drink. I thought it would be way more clever if an innovative drink maker saw the appearance and thought, hey, we just found our limoncello mascot.

Turns out it was the latter. A clever-ass guy decided to use DeVito to hawk his lemon-flavored alcoholic wares. And you know what? It was good. There may be better limoncellos out there, but only one will have a place in my freezer: Danny DeVito Limoncello.

Although rival limoncello producers are welcome to get in touch so I can make an informed decision.

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Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

2009-03-04T18:54:00.000-06:00

You people know I can't stay up late, so I need your help to become aware of awesomeness like this:

Let's stay on the ball next time, OK?

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T-shirt support

2009-03-03T11:19:00.001-06:00

I previously wrote about my support for and enjoyment of The Sound of Young America. With Adam Carolla's new podcast clocking in at under an hour (although I'm just happy his nasally drone is still entering my skull on a daily basis), I had to find another show to bridge the gap in my drive-time. In fact, I found two weekly shows: The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons, which is nominally about sports, although when he gets people like the Mad Men guy, and Jimmy Kimmel, and Joel McHale, I'm down with that; and Jordan, Jesse, Go! from the makers of TSOYA.

In truth, I've been listening to a LOT of JJG. So much so that I'm seriously considering buying the "best of" album from 'The Free Design', whose song (Love You) serves as the podcast's theme music. It's bizarrely soothing.

So here's my conundrum: for one week only, a JJG t-shirt is on sale. I like the show... but do I like it enough to want to wear its t-shirt? I mean, it's cool to hear Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart, say "fuck" on a regular basis, since he has such a good radio voice. (I now get to hear Adam Carolla say "fuck" as well, but again, in his standard nasally drone.) But I'm not sure that particular aspect of my enjoyment would be suitably reflected in the t-shirt design.

Besides, for that kind of quan, I could get a pretty awesome Wil Wheaton-designed t-shirt from shirt.woot. Although, does Wil Wheaton really need my cash? Between Stand by Me and Toy Soldiers, he must be living large off of residual checks. Not to mention V/O work from The Secret of NIMH, which if you ask me is an insanely underrated animated flick.

So, in the spirit of JJG's action items, here's one for you, dear readers: take a look at the t-shirts, and tell me which one you'd rather see me in. Or should I be the first person ever to get a This Man Must Be Stopped t-shirt? Dark horse entry in the t-shirt race!

And someone get me NIMH on DVD.

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The racist Mr. Carter Chambers

2009-03-02T18:49:00.001-06:00

Here's something I'm not proud of: I saw The Bucket List over the holidays.

For those that haven't seen this movie, count yourself lucky that the limited exposure you will get in this blog post is all you need subject yourself to. I am assuming, however, that you saw the trailers & commercials for the flick when it came out, and therefore know everything you need to know about the plot.

What I want to talk to you about today is what I can only describe as the racist tendencies of Carter Chambers, the character played by Morgan Freeman.

His out-and-out racism is never stated in the movie, mind you. It might be hinted at in the script, but copies are either hard to come by, or I haven't bothered trying. Here's a sample of what the script might look like.

Interior, Hotel Room, Hong Kong. CARTER enters after a long night of hating other races.

CARTER: I'm ready to go home now.

Why am I so convinced that Carter is a racist? Because when Jack Nicholson's character hires out a whore to seduce him in Hong Kong, that whore is a mixed race (black/white) girl with an English accent. She's intelligent and engaging, and tempts Carter to the point where he barely manages to stammer out that he's married and can't partake in any whoring. (He's not supposed to know it's whoring, but he figures it out.)

Why is this racist? Consider this:

1. Estimate the number of ethnically Chinese whores in Hong Kong, or who could be quickly imported from neighboring Guangzhou or Shenzhen.

2. Estimate the number of mixed race black/white whores in Hong Kong with English accents.

Jack Nicholson's character must have gone to extraordinary lengths to procure this specific whore. Since he knows Carter well by this point in the movie, he must have figured that this was the one whore who was perfectly suited to pierce Carter's defenses. Why would Carter not be enticed by an ethnically Chinese whore? The only reason I can come up with is that he is, in fact, a racist.

Not that I blame Carter for his preference. Consider Thandie Newton and Beonce Knowles, who are ridiculously hot. And my previous post about the Jones girls. But still, to deny equal employment opportunities to a Chinese whore... that's not only racism, that's employment discrimination.

So look, save your movie-going dollars for movies that don't promote racist agendas. Stay away from The Bucket List.

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He writes like he talks

2009-02-23T19:02:00.000-06:00

I try to write the same way I talk. Primarily this is because I want the blog to be a conversation between you and me. A one-way conversation where you never get to interrupt me. Even so, if you were to read it out loud in some approximation of my voice, you should be able to say to yourself, yes, Bart wrote this.

Writing the same way you talk doesn't always work out, however. Two funny examples:

1. I was working with an old guy from Louisiana. But the way he pronounced it, he was from Loozy-anna. You'd think you were talking to Justin Wilson, only he wasn't giving you food. One day during a meeting, we were brainstorming and he was writing down what we were discussing. "What's da nex step?" he would ask. At this point, I told him the next step was to obtain approval from management. He literally wrote "Optain approval," because that's how he said it. He was writing the same way he talked. I still crack the hell up thinking about that. "Lemme optain some dinnuh on mah way home," I tell Mrs. Bart before she tells me to lay off the accent already.

2. Just this evening, whilst eating at Chipotle, I got to admire one of the perils of learning English as a second language. It doesn't make a lot of sense when you look at it, but imagine a typical Chipotle employee reading it out loud, and you'll get the idea.

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Hodgman has a point (or, what if Anakin and Padme got it on in Ep I)

2009-02-22T18:25:00.001-06:00

If you haven't heard John Hodgman's (now 6-year-old) essay on his compulsive desire to re-write 'The Phantom Menace', I'd highly suggest it. Click here, then click on Full Episode, let the episode load, and forward to 46:40. And enjoy.

One of many dandy points that Hodgman makes is that Anakin's age in Episode I (8 or 9) makes it super-creepy that (1) Qui-Gon takes him from his mother, and (2) Padme has feelings for young Ani. Well, I thought of Hodgman's essay when I read the story about the rather well-developed 15-year-old in Britain getting knocked up by a 13-year-old who looks younger than Anakin. Post w/ picture here.

If young Natalie Portman had gotten it on with much younger Jake Lloyd after the victory celebration on Naboo, it would have been just as creepy as this real-life case, only somewhat more aesthetically pleasing. 'Cause, you know. Natalie Portman. Well, maybe... no, still wrong.

More Aceman

2009-02-22T18:07:00.000-06:00

I feel a little better after hearing the last episode of the Adam Carolla Show. Sad, but at least Ace is serious about becoming a podcasting mogul. He will be recording the first episode tonight, and I will download before I head out to work in the morning. New = exciting. However, new also = shorter - instead of 2+ hours of Carolla per day, I will be lucky to get an hour while he's getting his new show figured out.

In the meantime, since I enjoy The Sound of Young America, I decided to subscribe to a sister podcast, Jordan Jesse Go! It's good times, although it's also weekly, so I may be hitting the Audiobooks extra hard to make up the extra drive time.

Surely things will get better. Time heals all wounds. Etc.