The greatest gift of all

This Christmas, I got the greatest gift of all... permission to unleash my inner cholo.

To wit:

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Why old people are awesome: Christmas Edition

This is an actual conversation between Mrs. Bart (MB) and Mrs. Bart's Grandmother (MBG). It's a great illustration of how awesome old people are.

MB: So, grandma, what's for Christmas dinner?

MBG: We're having ham.

MB: Any vegetables?

MBG: Well, I'm making scalloped potatoes, and butter beans, and of course, cornbread to go with the butter beans.

MB: So, no vegetables?

MBG: That's 3 vegetables!

MB: It might be nice to have something green... maybe I'll bring green beans.

MBG: I wouldn't bring green beans, we're already having beans!

[End Transcript]

You might fault their dietary choices, but that generation won Korea, or something like that, so they must be doing something right.

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My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes

My Top 10 Entertainment Gripes, complete with corollaries, as of right now:

10. That Joey ended up with Pacey and not Dawson. (Corollary: that the Dawson's Creek finale was so goddamned maudlin.)

9. That The O.C. concluded with everyone moving to Berkeley. (Corollary: no zombie Marissa in the finale.)

8. That The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Kings didn't have more endings. That's right, haters, I wanted more! (Corollary: no bare elf boobies in the extended edition DVD.)

7. That Seth MacFarlane is handsome, impressively funny and talented, and a multi-millionaire... and 4 years older than me. (Corollary: Not to mention that he avoided being on one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, which is funny when you think about God expending that much effort on an avowed atheist.)

6. That the best Joss Whedon series always seem to get cancelled. (Corollary: that Joss waited until episode 7 in both seasons of Dollhouse to make it really freaking interesting!)

5. That the first Harry Potter movie showed about 40 first-years trooping into the Griffindor dorm. There should be about 10, right? (Corollary: No firm opening date for the Harry Potter theme park in Orlando as yet.)

4. The crazy "new normal" of staggered television seasons, plus delays from the writer's strike, plus strategically delaying a TV Season's release date until just before the new season is set to air. How long since I've seen a new Chuck episode? How long until Mad Men, or True Blood come back on? How long until Season 2 of In Treatment comes out on DVD? (Corollary: I just couldn't get back into Heroes after the writer's strike. Plus, if Hayden Panettiere wants me to watch, she knows what she needs to do. And it has nothing to do with Greenpeace.)

3. The switch from analog to digital TV signals; the switch from DVDs to blu-ray; the switch from regular to flat-screen TVs. I can barely watch a TV show or movie at home now, and half of my equipment no longer works. (Corollary: try convincing your cable company that you don't need to rent their box for $20 a month because your TV can descramble their code all by itself. Not easy.)

2. Having to find new music through TV shows, commercials, and movie trailers because commercial radio is unbearable. (Corollary: why won't Mrs. Bart's XM Radio receiver pick up Howard Stern?)

and finally...

1. I gripe about no great comedians coming to Dallas, and yet I miss the Doug Benson show because it would have been a half hour drive away from home on a weeknight. (Corollary: When is Paul F. Tompkins coming to Dallas?!)

I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson

I'm working on a contract right now, and the width of a parcel of land is described as "1 Rod." A goddamned Rod!

Can we not say 16.5 feet? Better yet, can we not round up to 17 feet?

I feel like I'm dealing with Grandpa Simpson or Mr. Burns.