What the Font?

Being a computer company, I would imagine HP would have a lot of fonts at their disposal. So how do you explain this?

I picture some marketing geniuses brainstorming their next ad campaign:

-"We need something to appeal to the kids, to tell 'em to buy HP ink instead of the competitor's stuff."
-"Hell, how do we do that?"
-"I know! You know that movie that the kids are into? Our ad should remind them of that movie."
-"Twilight?" "Star Trek?" "Saw V?" "Paul Blart?"
-"No, no, no, no, the cool kids! It's got, uh, Jimmy Depp. No, Johnny Depp! That's it!"
-"Pirates of the Caribbean?" "Sweeny Todd?" "21 Jump Street?" "That Alice in Wonderland movie that hasn't come out yet?"
-"No, no, TV, no. Uh... Edward Scissorhands! That's it! Get me the font from that goddamn movie, and the kids'll come flocking to HP-brand printer ink!"

There's really no other explanation.

Check out the rest of my blog!

The world's most inconsiderate food

Mrs. Bart and I have a running joke that we can't get out of a Mexican food place without someone ordering sizzling fajitas. Because it wouldn't be right to eat Mexican food and go home not smelling of onion smoke.

Like many jokes, it's based on fact. All too often we're wrapping up, waiting for the check, and we hear the dreaded sound. Sizzzzzzle. Dammit. Now we're going to smell.

Tonight we ate at a place where there was only one other couple present. Just one other. And what did we hear? Sizzzzzzle. Dammit.

When I want fajitas, I get tacos al carbon. Simple as that. It's like fajitas, but they do the work for you. And you don't stink up the joint. Who thinks, gee, I'd really like tacos al carbon tonight, but I want to be inconsiderate towards everyone else in a 50 foot radius? I know, I'll get sizzling fajitas!

If you're going to order a meal that provides the maximum amount of misery for others, here's what I'd recommend:

-Tableside guacamole (tasty, but extra work for your server)
-Queso flameado (ditto, plus adds danger of fire to your server's day)
-Sizzling fajitas (stink up the room with your dish)
-Bananas foster (combines the best of stinking up the room, fire, and making your server do extra work)

Of course, you'd need to find a Mexican place that serves bananas foster. Maybe in the new New Orleans. It's less of a chocolate city now, and more of a chipotle mole city.

Mmm, I could go for some chipotle mole right about now.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Bad news, kids

Bad news for you, kids:



All these horrible things that are going to happen to you in the next few years? Barry's fabulous free government health care isn't going to kick in until 2013. So you're still going to die.

The good news is that if you're growing up in a household where your parents have to sell the house to pay for your leg cast, odds are you don't have much going for you anyways. And once all the new taxes to pay for Barry's fabulous free government health care kick in, your parents wouldn't be able to feed you, much less pay for your surgery.

Just thought you should know.

Check out the rest of my blog!

A triumphant return to trade shows!

I have not been to a trade show in, like, 2 years. Today marks my triumphant return. Here's hoping I win some prizes.


Edit: did not win prizes. But had a good time anyways.

The perfect comic?

This is like the perfect comic for me. It combines my love of Star Wars and Canadian geography.



I know you can't see the whole thing on the screen... click on the comic to see the whole thing. It's worth it.

Check out the rest of my blog!

A little too clever, Google

Normally I enjoy the specialty Google logos, but the one celebrating the anniversary of the bar code struck a nerve with me:

It was like using a generic search engine. Very off-putting.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Reality vs. vanity - the Halloween edition

A month or so ago I decided that my Halloween costume this year would be Indiana Jones. I already have a leather jacket, brown shoes, khakis, a belt, and a satchel. All I'd need is a hat, a shirt from Old Navy, and a whip. At least the costume will be comfortable. And with all the Mad Men I've been watching, I've been wanting to wear fedoras more often. And smoke. And drive a gigantic car made of steel. I haven't yet arrived at the point where I want to wear a suit while eating at home, but maybe that day isn't far off.

When discussing the costume recently, Mrs. Bart rocked my world a little bit by asking how I felt about shaving off my goatee so I'd look as Indiana Jones-ish as possible.

I hadn't even considered that I'd be shaving it off. I've been goateed for almost 3 years straight. I like the look, and people at work are used to it. I can stroke it when I'm thinking about something. What's not to like?

But Mrs. Bart is right, if I want to be as authentic as possible it's got to go. (I'd also need to lose about 40 pounds, but that's a little harder to do in a few weeks.) Prior to the costume party I'll build up a couple days' worth of scruff to simulate Indy out in the field, and I'll use that scruff to form a proto-goat the next week. But still, it'll be weird.

So, in the power struggle between reality and vanity, for Halloween at least, reality wins. Vanity will return shortly thereafter.

Check out the rest of my blog!

The Mad Men of Hilton

I like Mad Men, and I like the Hilton family of hotels, so you think I'd be happy that they're cross-promoting the hell out of each other. Or, you'd think that it wouldn't have the end result of pissing me off. Guess again.

I stayed at a Hilton recently, and booked my room under the "Mad Men" rate. That entered me into the drawing for some crazy prize at the Waldorf Astoria. (A cheaper way to enter is to write your name & address on a card and mail it to them.) So I show up to the hotel on a Monday, hoping to catch a Mad Men re-run on AMC. 'Cause they're such cross-promoting buddies, and I'm staying at the Mad Men rate and all.

Now, in the perfect promotional world, when you stay at the Mad Men rate, they'd have a little DVD of the most recent episode burned and available for you to view. But, that seems difficult and legally questionable. They'd ideally have worked that sort of detail out in their promotional agreement, but whatever. So that didn't happen.

In a merely adequate promotional world, when you stay at a hotel chain that has a big cross-promotion with a television show, you'd expect that hotel to have the channel carrying that television show in its TV lineup.

Nope.

So, I got a 1 in 30 billion chance of winning a prize, and I didn't get to watch Mad Men. I had to wait until I got home.

Great promotion, Hilton. Ol' Conrad would be proud of you.

Check out the rest of my blog!

Senators: 'Dollhouse' vs. Real Life

If you're watching Season 2 of 'Dollhouse' on Fox (and why wouldn't you be?), you know that there's a subplot involving an ambitious young U.S. Senator making it his personal mission to track down the Dollhouse and its parent company. He makes speeches about his goals, which are well-covered by news networks, and spends a lot of time at home going over corporate records with his smart yet sexy wife. That's the fictional version of a Senator.

Here's the real version of a U.S. Senator: a guy who doesn't bother to read legislation because the language is so arcane. And according to him, he's not alone. And he's from Delaware, which is less of a state than the Providence Plantations. Yes, I know most of you refer to it as Rhode Island, but screw that. Most of the state isn't an island, so I don't see why the island part has to come first.

I'm not sure whether the fictional version or the real version of the Senator miffs me more. The fictional one is too goody-two-shoes, unrealistic, and kind of annoying. Unless either he or his wife is an undercover Doll, in which case kudos, Joss Whedon. But, it's the sort of thing we'd like to envision in our public servants: actually caring about things other than fund-raising or his re-election.

On the other hand, I can understand not wanting to read legislative language. It sounds like crazy talk. But should the country that's the pinnacle of representative government allow itself to be drowned in nonsensical legalese that 99.999% of the population wouldn't understand? There's a reason that libertarians talk about trashing the tax code. You know this jerk is going to, at some point, brag about legislation he passed but doesn't understand. He'll leave that last part out of the stump speech.

Every now and then you read about a politician who's a real dynamo (like Bobby Jindal) and you think, hell yeah, this is the kind of cat we need in elected office. But mostly they're just loser a-holes like that jerk from Delaware.

Check out the rest of my blog! (And don't forget to watch 'Dollhouse' so we can have 'Dollhouse'-related chats the next time I see you. I don't like searching for conversational topics.)

Everything I know, I learned from movies

(This is the text of a speech I gave in Toastmasters today)

Like many of you, I attended public schools. In a small town, a public school education can be a mixed bag. For example, I had good math teachers, because that’s what they wanted to teach. However, my biology teacher was a coach who was also required to teach biology. My history teacher was a coach who was also required to teach history. You get the picture. They didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t learn very much.

As a result, in many subject areas, if I wanted to learn anything, I had to teach myself. This was pre-internet, so there was no Wikipedia to hold my attention for hours on end. I did have a set of encyclopedias at home, but those are stale-dated the moment they’re printed. So I know more than I should about Canada’s top 5 exports in 1982. I needed a constantly developing medium in which to immerse myself and learn those things they just can’t teach you in school.

Enter movies. Movies can take you all over the world, to other worlds, to the past, or to the future. This was just what I was looking for to supplement my education. And after too many years to watching too many movies, you might say that everything I know, I learned from movies.

Here’s a brief overview of U.S. Military history, as provided by various movies.

-Revolutionary War: each side lined up shoulder-to-shoulder in a single line, loaded their muskets, and fired at each other. While reloading, the survivors walked forward, then formed another line and fired again. Eventually the 3 or 4 surviving soldiers ran at each other with swords.

-Civil War: By the time of the Civil War, we had learned our lessons from the previous conflict. Each side lined up shoulder-to-shoulder in TWO lines, one kneeling, and one standing. That way you have twice as many people shooting. Instead of everyone having swords, you take little swords (bayonets) and attach them to the end of your rifle.

-First World War: Everyone was tired of being shot at, so they spent most of their time in trenches, occasionally shooting at each other. Planes and tanks were novelties. We were still using hot-air balloons for reconnaissance.

-Second World War: Trenches gave way to foxholes. Planes and tanks became awesome.

-Korean War: I watched a lot of MASH on TV, so I didn’t see much in the way of military tactics. I think we still had foxholes.

-Vietnam War: We decided sitting in one place and shooting at people was a waste of time, so soldiers were airlifted in to a portion of jungle, they walked through it, shot at things, and then were airlifted out under heavy enemy fire. Occasionally Marlon Brando would establish an evil empire in the heart of the jungle, and Martin Sheen would have to take him out.

Movies weren’t all cut-and-dry sources of information for me. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons. Many of them came in handy while I was still in school:

-The cool new kid in class was actually a nerd at his previous school. A mean kid is sure to find his old chess club yearbook picture and humiliate him with it.

-Somewhere in school there’s a girl with glasses who has her hair up and is wearing unflattering clothing. However, get her contacts and a quick 15 minute makeover and she will suddenly be the hottest girl in school. If you take her to the dance, no one will recognize her, because she’s not wearing her glasses.

-The quiet kid who doesn’t seem to socialize much is actually a wellspring of knowledge, letting you know who’s dating who and who belongs to which clique.

-Stereotypes can be deceiving: the cheerleader may hate her parents for pressuring her into performing, the jock may secretly want to join the drama club, and the miscreant rule-breaker actually has a heart of gold, if only you can break down his tough outer shell.

-There is always one crazy graduation party that everyone attends, where everyone’s true personality is revealed, old grudges are settled, and the girls and boys finally end up with who they’re supposed to be with.

Many of the lessons from movies have come in handy as an adult as well:

-If you get an eye or heart transplant from a serial killer, his soul will be able to take over your body and continue his murderous rampage. Any other organ is OK.

-Everyone has a rich but eccentric uncle, or aunt, or great-aunt, or grandparent, who stipulates in their will that you only get your inheritance if you get married, or get a job, or solve an old mystery, or spend the night in a haunted house.

-In a gun fight, a 6-shooter will get off about 30 shots before you need to reload it.

-Occasionally, young children will talk exactly like adults. If you ask them any follow-up questions, though, they’re protest that they’re just kids. *Side note: sometimes this kid is actually possessed by an ancient demon, so have some paper towels ready in case the projectile vomiting starts.

-Almost everything bad that happens has an “old prophecy” attached to it that way too many people know, yet don’t believe until it’s happening.

-If you kill a bad guy, be careful. He’s probably going to come right back to life again. But if you kill him a second time he’ll really be dead.

-If you wake up from a nightmare, don’t be too relieved. Something scary will probably happen again, revealing that you’re in yet another nightmare that you have yet to wake up from.

-A trip to a foreign country will almost always result in the finding of true love. Incredibly, it may be with someone you’ve known for years.

-Any wedding where the pastor asks for objections inevitably has multiple ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends of the bride and groom in the audience.

-A good montage can take care of almost any problem. Play an appropriate song, cut from one scene to the other really quickly, and in just a few minutes you’ll be in shape, in love, or you’ll have moved up 3 rungs on the corporate ladder. Note that if you are an underdog in a sporting event, a montage is essential to ultimate victory.

Perhaps most importantly, remember the ultimate lesson from the movies: just when things seem at their worst, when defeat seems imminent, suddenly the cavalry will come charging over the hill, the invading alien horde will be unexpectedly vulnerable to water or human diseases, or your true love will interrupt the wedding ceremony just before you say “I do.” Yes, if I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s hope; an almost unwarranted, unreasonable, yet never unexpected sense of hope.

Check out the rest of my blog!