Oh Automated Postal Center, you're never quite what I need

I've found that the Automated Postal Center (APC) at the post office is never quite what I need. Certainly, it's come in handy. I go to the post office, there's a long line at the counter, so I head over to the APC. Easy peasy. However, when the post office is closed, the APC seems to take on a different character:

-It's not working.

-There are 7 people in line, none of whom speak English or know how to use a touchscreen interface.

-It is partially functional, but it's not the function you want.

To wit, today I wanted to drop by the post office on my way home to buy some 1st class stamps. Nothing fancy, just 1st class stamps. So I step up to the APC, and press the "I want to buy stamps" button.

It's not working. In fact, it can't print any postage if it's not on one of those big legal pad-sized stickers.

OK, I don't want it to print postage. I want it to spit out a booklet of stamps. I've seen it do that before.

Nope. Sorry, the stamp spitter isn't working either.

Well, this sucks, I thought. But wait... aha! This is one of those rare instances when I have cash on me. (Dollar coins, in fact.) I'll just buy a booklet of stamps from the vending machine. Now where's that vending machine?

Son of a whore. They took out BOTH vending machines, reasoning that the APC, which NEVER WORKS when the post office is closed, would suffice for the general public's stamp-purchasing needs. SON OF A WHORING BITCH SLUT.

I feel better now. Although my letter still isn't mailed.

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Artist Profile: Bart

Many years ago, I tried my hand at painting. What can I say, everyone else (aka my sister and my maternal grandmother) was doing it, and they were good at it. So I figured, why not?

My first attempt was... well, I'll classify it as "not bad." "Passable," even. It's currently hanging up in our half-bath, so any visitor taking a whiz at Chez Bart can take a gander. The second attempt was "not good." The third was "straight up bad." I'm not sure how one gets worse with practice, but it worked that way for me with painting and golf. My first game was my best ever.

Given my lack of artistic prowess, I never expected to win accolades, or prizes, or have my art displayed in a museum. That is, until I heard about the MOBA. No, not the MOMA. The MOBA. The Museum of Bad Art.

They have two branches in the Boston area, and are not above rescuing artwork from the trash in order to add to their collection. They also accept submissions, so I decided to take a picture of my 3rd painting and send it in. Here's the picture:

And here's the e-mail I sent:

Hello,

I'm curious as to whether you would consider the attached painting to be bad enough for your collection. It is supposed to be my red-haired wife (girlfriend at the time) sitting cross-legged on a beach. People have asked me if it is supposed to be a sombrero.

Of particular note:

-My choice of blue for the sky didn't quite cover the color of the primer (you can see some pink showing through)

-My poor attempt at shading beneath the subject

-My cunning attempt to blend my initials into the patch of green plants

Thanks!

And here was the reply:

I like the pink showing through the sky blue - it looks like a sunset or sunrise scene. There are other technical problems with the painting; her hair color, the one-dimensionality, etc. I think this would make a fine addition to our collection, which already includes a number of beach scenes. I have attached 'On the Shore at Sunset', which is featured in our recent book Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks. 

Sweet. So, all I have to do is make a writeup about the painting's provenance and send it in. And then I'll take my place in the ranks of the bad art world.

Just to think: all of you knew me when.

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Need another reason to watch 'Community'?

If Joel McHale and Chevy Chase don't do it for you, here's another reason to watch 'Community' this fall on NBC:

Defying Vancouver

Tonight I watched the first 4 episodes of 'Defying Gravity'. It's an ABC show, and you can catch it on Hulu. It's pretty good. I like Ron Livingston ('Office Space' guy), and I like outer space, so it's not a stretch that I'd like the show. No nudity, sadly. Network. You know.

Anyhoo, you don't have to watch much of the show before you can tell it was shot in Vancouver. Maybe it helps that I've been watching a lot of Vancouver-based shows: 'Battlestar Galactica,' 'Reaper', and 'Dead Like Me'. I've seen one BSG alumnus, 2 from 'Reaper', and 2 'Dead Like Me' types.

There was a scene where two characters walked into their respective apartments, and I had two back-to-back thoughts: first, "Hey, that's Starbuck's apartment"; and second, "Hey, that's Starbuck's apartment again, slightly re-dressed." You'd think they would have picked an apartment that's a little less obvious or well known. Maybe they like it because it's quasi-futuristic. Who knows.

At any rate, that's one more show I can add to my entertainment tour of Vancouver. When I go to Vancouver. Whenever that happens to be.

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More Drudge Silliness

Oh Drudge, do you plan this stuff, or is it happy circumstance?

Volunteerin' Fool

I got a wild hair this year, and decided to apply for some boards & commissions in my little suburb. My selections were the Zoning Board of Adjustment and the Planning and Zoning Commission. These make the most sense, based on my real estate background. Or more sense, at least, than the Animal Services Appeals Board.

I had my ZBA interview last night with two city councilmen and a city staff member. I think they were impressed by my subject matter knowledge. It helps that I talk about zoning and zoning adjustments in my real estate classes, so I already have a spiel about them. It adds a nice "knows what he's doing" flavor to the proceedings.

I got some spiel from the councilmen as well. The first one, which I appreciated, was the "we have a lot more applicants than we do positions to fill, so if you're not picked, it's not a negative reflection on you." They also noted that there's "alternate" spots as well as regular ones, so don't feel bad if you get picked as an alternate. This is reasonable, and something I understand.

The spiel I didn't appreciate was "if you don't get picked, there's still plenty of ways to serve your community." Because I've been spending years and years not being on a board or commission, and I've not been aware of any other way to serve the community. It's bad form to call them on their bullshit in the middle of an interview, but what do they have in mind? Sitting through hearings that I'm not part of? Tending to a portion of the community garden? Joining the Lions Club? No, no, and no.

The P&Z interview is tomorrow night. I feel like I have less of a shot at getting on that one, because there's fewer vacancies and more people tend to apply to it. That suits me fine, because P&Z tends to involve more hours & work. I may take the opportunity tomorrow to call the interviewer on the "there's plenty of ways to serve your community" line. I'm vacillating between "Really? Name one." and "Really? I haven't found that to be the case." or the slightly more friendly "For example..." I bet their first example would be "Well, you could volunteer for a city board or commission oh wait..."

Or maybe they'll be smart and not go through that particular spiel again. We'll see.

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Au revoir, Houston

Hey, Houston, it's been real. Thanks for the warm welcome. VERY warm. And humid. But, you know, I think I'll be on my way. You understand, right? I mean, I've enjoyed eating your food and sleeping in your hotel beds, but I can't quite escape the feeling that I'm going to catch malaria. So... yeah. Later.

In England? Looking for a car? No problem.

Friends, if you're anything like me, well, first of all, I pity you.

Seriously though, friends, if you're anything like me, you occasionally find yourself in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (remember when it was bigger? those were the days) and in a quandary: where can I find a Peugeot Dealer?

This happened to me just a few months ago, on my third trip to Germany. Apparently American Airlines doesn't fly to Munich, so we had to connect through London Heathrow and lay over for several hours before British Airways took us the rest of the way.

Anyways, while we were laying over, I had a crazy urge: to leave the airport, cash in my retirement account, and go buy a Peugeot 308. Maybe a Peugeot 107, who knows? I'm an American, we're not used to Peugeots. But I do have fond memories of them from my time in France. I also have fond memories of girls not wearing their tops on the beach, but that is an entirely different story.

And you may be asking yourself, Bart, you're in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, why not get a Jaguar, or an Aston Martin, or a Bentley, or a McLaren? Those are at least native brands. I'm sure there's some sort of advantage in terms of taxes, or tariffs, or something. The answer: I don't know. When a man wants a Peugeot, he wants a Peugeot. Plus I was tired from flying, and going through customs.

I know that it makes little to no sense that I would be in a country for a few hours, only be a visitor (where the hell am I going to keep the car? I have no permanent address, no right of abode, and as far as I know, no property / ownership rights at all), and still want to buy an automobile. But I don't have to think about it. I just have to do it. It's the goddamned American way.

Well, in any case, you can go to Perrys to figure out where to find a car.

Bart is a Mad Man

If you're as excited about the upcoming season of 'Mad Men' as I am, then you may want to avail yourself of the ability to "Man Men" yourself. It's like Simpsonizing yourself... only with 'Mad Men'.

Here was my attempt at doing myself:

Note the fact that I am both smoking a cigarette and holding a lit pipe. And wearing a bow tie. SWEET.

Mrs. Bart didn't think it was a good representation of me, so she did this version:

I don't know which is better. I guess I'm hard to make out of standard parts.

Although you know who looks good as a 'Mad Men' character? Mrs. Bart:

Ooh la la. Va va voom. Etc.

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The Dance

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he
                -Sydney Carter

--------------------

I honestly don't know how it happened.

Once upon a time, somewhere, somehow, I saw a dance move. If you want to call it that. Even if it is a legitimate move, when I do it, it looks ridiculous. It involves putting one hand behind your head, and the other hand grabs hold of your shin and pulls the leg up and back in a rhythmic motion... for someone who's graceful and coordinated it would probably look silly, but it usually makes me look like I'm possessed.

I rarely do it in front of anyone besides Mrs. Bart, and it usually causes her to laugh or immediately begin the mocking. Until recently, she swore that it was so terrible that I must have made it up.

That is, until we saw the second episode of Season 5 of 'Weeds'. To wit:



As soon as I saw this, I paused the recording, looked at Mrs. Bart, and yelled "YES! Oh my God, YES!" Because they were doing "the move". Here was definitive proof that I didn't make it up, unless I served as a choreographer for the show without anyone noticing. It's still odd, but it's there.

So, that's what I like to call my signature dance move. If anyone knows what it's actually called, or where it comes from, do me a favor and let me know.

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Weekend of abject laziness

I had a pretty good weekend:

1. I finally saw 'Moon', which I thought was great. You can take a talented cast, modern technology and a not-huge budget and make a really cool flick with a classic sci-fi vibe. Opposing view came from Mrs. Bart, who said that even though it was a 97 minute movie, she wanted 3 hours of her life back. Try not to be shocked that she didn't love it. Maybe I'll make her sit through 'G.I. Joe' next weekend just to teach her a lesson.

Saw trailers for 2 music-related documentaries - one about a soul concert just before the Rumble in the Jungle, and the other about Robert Page, The Edge, and Jack White getting together to jam and talk about guitars. We were trying to figure out why those trailers came before this movie, but then realized it's because 'Moon' was an arthouse flick. We were getting some culture in.

Trailer I did not appreciate: '2012'. Look, end-of-world movies can be exciting, but here's the problem: there's a lot of stupid people out there. Plenty of people will see this and think that planets are going to align and this will somehow cause the earth to melt, or something. There are people still freaking out over 'Armageddon' (or more specifically, over the idea of a huge asteroid hitting earth), and that was 11 years ago. I'm not saying we need a disclaimer on the movie, but maybe the marketing tactic of saying "this is information from the ancient Mayans, and they sure knew their shit, except the part about smallpox" isn't the best. Market it as fiction.

On the other hand, if people are going to be freaking out about the end of the world in a few years, I need to save up so I can buy their stuff for cheap. Maybe start fabricating amulets or magic wands. There's always some profit potential when people are staring a phony armageddon in the face. I mean, hell, the Y2K bug was probably the closest we're ever going to come to a catastrophe of that magnitude, and we did just fine.

2. I caught up on 'Weeds' - last 2 episodes of Season 4, and the first 8 episodes of Season 5. Whatever issues I had with storyline and quality in Season 4, it's behind us now. The show is now rocking.

Something so tremendously awesome happened while watching 'Weeds' that I can't describe it now. I need to do a little video editing before I can share with you. Rest assured, it is coming soon.

What didn't I do this weekend? A little something called "mowing the yard", and it's too bad, because the weather was nice, and it looks like it's going to be stupidly hot this week.

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