The Big Reveal!

I put yesterday's blog challenge up on Facebook, because it's more likely to get comments that way. And guess what: the first guess right out of the gate was spot on. Jaime, here's a special a treat just for you!

I'm not sure what about the invitation screamed "funeral home / cemetery", but apparently it did. Yes, my little suburb opened its first cemetery, owned by the city, complete with its own funeral home. All embalming and cremation done on site! Very exciting. It's good tax revenue for the city, apparently. I may have even mentioned it during my ill-fated run for city council, I'm that much of a visionary.

Honestly, though, who would bring their goddamn kids to a cemetery grand opening / open house? I know it's clip art, but how appropriate is it, really? How "fun-filled" is this open house? Storytelling? Crafts? Tours? "Look, kids, that's where they'll stick mommy's pine box and turn her into a pile of ash!" If the refreshments included kool-aid, how many bad Jim Jones jokes do you think went down? "Oh, trying to drum up some business, eh?" Sweet Jesus.

I've driven past the place. It's OK looking, nothing special. On the other hand, after watching the latest episode of 'True Blood', I wanted to figure out where the hell the church being used by the Fellowship of the Sun is located. Turns out it's one of the chapels at Rose Hills in Whittier, CA. Funerals may be horribly overpriced, but when they pay for a park-like property like that, I feel better about it.

I need to talk to someone and figure out how this thing went down. I'm guessing "sparsely attended" and "a little creepy" are somewhere in the description.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, and it was perfectly fine. Maybe the local columbarium is going to be the most relaxing place in the world to go, hang out, forget your troubles, and kick back a cold one. Maybe. But I'm not holding my breath. ('Cause I'm not trying to drum up business.)

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Fun for the whole family? You decide.

Check out this grand opening invitation. I've cleared out the pertinent information, so all you're left with is a template.

Your goal, dear reader: guess what kind of business is being grandly opened. Submit your guess as a comment.

 

I'll give the answer tomorrow, but for now let me say I love the generic quality of the invitation. "Music by Local Groups." Johnny, don't you have a few CDs by Local Groups? Yeah, Mom, I saw Local Groups in concert like 2 months ago. They're awesome.

Anyways, let me know what you think.

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The Attorney Employment Act of 2009, Part 72

I've only briefly mentioned this, but in case you didn't know, I am an arbitrator. Specifically, I am qualified to arbitrate property valuation disputes for appraisal districts in the state of Texas. This qualification comes courtesy of my real estate experience along with training in alternative dispute resolution, allowing me to be registered with the Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts Property Tax Division. If a property owner and an appraisal district can't agree on the value of a property for tax purposes, eventually the case can get appealed to binding arbitration. Each case presents a side and proposes a value, and the arbitrator decides what the value is. It can be one party's number or the other party's number, or a number in between.

As an aside, when I teach real estate principles, one of the earliest classes is the semester involves the criteria for getting a real estate license, along with exemptions to licensing. Makes sense, right? Well, one of the exemptions is that if you're a licensed attorney, you don't need a real estate license to practice real estate. At that point, I like to joke that since most lawmakers are lawyers, they like to write in opportunities for their future employment. Seriously, the law is littered with exemptions for attorneys. I guess the underlying assumption is that attorneys know everything. Must be one of the benefits of a Socratic education.

This is partly a snarky little joke, but mostly true, because if you knew the number of mediation rosters where the only requirement was "be a licensed attorney", you'd be sick. You'd especially be sick if you got a master's degree in dispute resolution from Pepperdine, and then were told you couldn't be a mediator in certain states or for certain courts because you weren't an attorney. Fortunately that ain't me. I got my master's degree in a practical field :)

Back to the subject at hand. I recently decided to check on the Texas legislature's web site to see if any changes have been made to the enabling legislation that started this arbitration process. The session is wrapping up, so I thought this was as good a time as any to check. I remembered that during the last legislative session there was an attempt to add some continuing education requirements to those wishing to stay on the arbitrator roster, which I wholeheartedly approve of.

After some searching, I managed to figure out that yes, a bill had been passed that amended this section of the tax code. Notable changes made:

1. CPAs can now be arbitrators (previously you needed a real estate license or appraiser's license to be an arbitrator)
2. Continuing education requirement (good, good)
3. Established a minimum experience requirement for CPAs, real estate licensees, or appraisers wishing to be on the roster (good idea, plus it's not so lengthy of an experience requirement that I'd be knocked off, so OK)
4. ATTORNEYS CAN NOW BE ARBITRATORS

You can guess which change caught my eye.

Not only can attorneys now be registered as arbitrators for these kinds of disputes, they don't have to have any experience or training in dispute resolution, they don't have to have any real estate experience, and they don't have a minimum experience requirement like CPAs or real estate professionals.

Great. The Attorney Employment Act strikes again.

What's the practical impact of this change on me? Probably not good, since attorneys who want to bolster their "I can be a judge too" resume can now sign up for the arbitrator roster and gum up the works. Sure, in 2012 they'll have to take some continuing education, but they have to do that anyways for their law license, and it's not too hard to find continuing legal hours that cover arbitration. Meanwhile, right now I can't find an arbitration continuing education class that would count towards my real estate license if I needed to. (I guess this legislation will create a market for it, so that's not a bad thing.)

As far as case volume, I've been on the roster for a couple of years, have been assigned 4 cases, and only one made it to the hearing stage. Double or triple the number of arbitrators on the roster, and that doesn't bode well for anyone's case volume.

Let's face it. Real estate professionals are used to determining the value of real estate. Attorneys, by and large, are not. At the end of the day, that's what these hearings are about: determining value. Who's going to do a better job?

Oh wait, I forgot. Once you have a J.D. you're an expert on everything. My bad.

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Bad writing alert! (Thanks, Associated Press.)

While reading this article about Hillary Clinton's visit to India, so much bad writing jumped out at me that I just had to share it with you. Apparently the AP no longer has editors.

First, I notice that she's back to Hillary Rodham Clinton. Wasn't she just Hillary Clinton during the primary? It's hard to keep track.

You might wonder where she was speaking in Mumbai:

"Speaking at a news conference on the pool side patio of the Taj Mahal Palace & Hotel, which was strewn with bodies after terrorists attacked this coastal city last November..."

Sweet Jesus, the patio was still strewn with bodies? It's like 8 months later. Maybe they had a hard time retaining janitorial staff after the attack. I would have had my news conference at a non-body-strewn part of the hotel, but that's just me.

If the AP still had editors, they might have changed it to something like:

"Speaking at a news conference at the Taj Mahal Palace & Hotel, which was the subject of a terrorist attack last November..."

Here was another great line. This isn't bad writing per se, but it's written in code:

"Her voice rising, Clinton insisted that the U.S. demand for international action against terrorist should not be taken lightly."

"Her voice rising"? You mean "Her voice rapidly becoming shrill and unbearably strident..." I just did a search for "Hillary Clinton" & shrill and came back with 65,700 hits. That's fewer than I thought. There were 44,200 hits for "Hillary Clinton" & strident, and a mere 27,700 for "Hillary Clinton" & shrew.

I did enjoy that, like China, India is giving a big "screw you" to Democratic calls for capping carbon emissions. Because let's face it: as the earth continues to cool, now more than ever we need carbon emissions to help keep us warm.

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Supreme Court nominee hearing drinking game

I tried to think up a good drinking game for the Supreme Court nomination hearings, but as they're so slow and boring, who would want to keep up?

Instead, try this: if the nominee does not say "stare decisis is not an inexorable command," I'll buy you a beer the next time I see you.

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Sweet! Buno's out!

Oh man, I am so freaking excited. Today is the big release of Bruno! I mean, after hearing about it for months (seems like years!), the anticipation, the waiting, it's all over - time to get my ass to the movies, but I'm leaving my ass there, 'cause it's going to be laughed off!

Oh wait, I just remembered that I don't give a good god damn about Bruno. I must have been thinking about another movie.

Here's the real plan: see Moon this weekend, now that it's in wider release. Next weekend, see the new Harry Potter (preferably in IMAX). The Time Traveler's Wife on August 14, and Inglourious Basterds on August 21. Maybe G.I. Joe, if it's not too much of an abortion (how's that for setting the bar low?). If I can squeeze in Away We Go, Whatever Works, or (500) Days of Summer, so be it.

I've got Run Fatboy Run on DVD at home waiting to be watched. You think I'm going to go slumming with Bruno when I've got top-notch stuff at home? Screw that noise.

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Convenient for whom: the mystery of the mini Starbucks gift card

I was in a Starbucks recently. The only reason I got into Starbucks lately (rather than taking the drive-through) is to get a Song of the Week card. Look, if they want to give me free music, I'll take it. Or, I'll go in if I want to see what's in the baked goods case. The problem with their baked goods is now that they're complying with New York City's no-trans-fats or triglycerides or whatever-the-hell-NYC-is-banning-in-food rules, all their baked goods everywhere kind of suck. So thanks, City of New York, for ruining snack time all across America.

At any rate, I was in Starbucks, and I noticed that there's a new option for your Starbucks gift card: you can get it in keychain size. It's smaller, and there's a little hole in one corner.

My first thought was, how convenient! My second thought was, that's the least convenient thing I've ever seen.

I foresee 2 scenarios where you'd want to use a gift card at Starbucks. And before I kick those scenarios off, I'm going to assume that most people are like me, in that they have separate key chains for their car key / remote control, and their house & other miscellaneous keys. If you're one of these types that has only one key ring, God bless you, you're a better person than I am. For the rest of us, I'm assuming 2 rings.

Scenario 1: the drive-through. You pull up & want to pay using your handy gift-card-on-your-key-ring. But where is it? If it's on your car key ring, it's dreadfully inconvenient to hand that to the barista through the window, seeing as you'd have to turn your car off and remove the key. If it's on your house / other key ring, you have to fish in your purse of pocket for the keys, and that's no more difficult than fishing for your wallet and your regular gift card.

Scenario 2: the order-in. You don't have to worry about a card, but the result is the same in that it's just as easy to reach for your wallet as your key ring.

So who are the people that Starbucks hopes will pick up these new gift cards? Did their marketing research tell them that there's an entire untapped market that, once they have the option of putting their gift cards on their key rings, will start spending money at Starbucks willy-nilly? Or, does the CEO's nephew work for the company that makes these key ring gift cards, and this is some sweet nepotism in action?

I'll leave that question to the corporate watch dogs. I'm sure they'll get on this right after the worldwide financial crisis is tied down.

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Bad news for Minneapolis tourism

Mrs. Bart and I just pulled the trigger on a trip to Minneapolis / St. Paul (the "Sin Cities" - if you don't get that reference then I have a DVD you need to borrow) in early September. Plus side: the weather should be nice. Down side: I don't have high hopes for their tourism options.

That's because when I pulled up the Convention & Visitor's Bureau web site, there was a big section encouraging locals to be tourists in their hometown. And as I've previously noted, that's a bad sign.

One thing I could do: visit my chosen suburb in the Twin Cities, Little Canada. Enjoy a crepe and some lacrosse.

Perhaps I could visit the office of new U.S. Senator Al Smalley. Stewart Franken? Whoever. The guy with creepy little Daschle glasses.

There's the enormous mall... intellectually it doesn't seem like a must-see, but maybe it's one of those "must be seen to be believed" things.

Any ideas? Any Twin City afficionados in the audience?

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Religion quiz

How did I score on an online religion quiz? Visit Mormania to find out!

Best fake podcast ever

This may be a little too "inside baseball", in that it's "inside Los Angeles talk radio", but you really should take a listen to the Fake Leykis Podcast.

It's not the real Tom Leykis, who for years taught young men not to knock women up, get married before age 30, or spend more than $40 on a date. Rather, it's Fake Tom Leykis (aka self-deprecating comedic genius Brian David Whitman) doing fake interviews, laughing inanely, busting out with additional dead-on impressions, and calling all women bitches. I burst into uncontrollable laughter several times today listening to the two episodes that are currently available.

You don't have to be familiar with the Tom Leykis oeuvre in order to appreciate the keen parody, but familiarity adds several layers of enjoyment for me. (I'm also familiar with the Leykis parody, as Fake Leykis frequently called into the Adam Carolla radio show on KLSX to laugh at tragic news stories. Genius.)

Do yourself a favor and subscribe on iTunes today. If you enjoy, send the man a few ducats via PayPal.

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4th fun on the 3rd

My suburb had its Independence Day festival tonight. I don't normally enjoy outdoor activities in the summer, but this started at 7, Mrs. Bart sneaked in some frozen booze (sangria, if you must know) and we enjoyed the polka style of the Brave Combo. All in all a very enjoyable evening.

My plans for the actual 4th of July? Swimming, grilling up some kosher hot dogs, and smoking Cuban cigars. Suck it, Johnny Law. This is America.

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A friendly word from your friendly blogger

Hello, friends. It's your old pal Bart here, from This Man Must Be Stopped.com.

If you're anything like me, you enjoy flash-based games such as those on the Homestar Runner web site.

And, if you're anything like me, you also delight in the zany antics of Jesse Thorn and Jordan Morris on the wonderful podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go!. Except when they don't have enough sense to realize that the Danny DeVito Limoncello ad is a clever visual pun: he's not holding a lyre, or a mysterious Italian string instrument of undetermined make / model; it's a freaking cello! Lemon... cello... Limoncello!

Sorry, friends, I got a little sidetracked.

Well, as I said, if you're anything like me, and enjoy the previous things I've named, then you'll love the Jordan, Jesse Game! It's flash-based, which we've already established you like, and it's based on Jordan, Jesse, Go! Follow their wacky adventures from the comfort of your own screen.

Need further proof? How's about this here screen shot from the game?

 

Yes, that's Jordan and Jesse (holding his dog) aboard an alien spaceship speaking via view-screen with none other than John Hodgman! Notice the bottle of Dan Aykroyd Crystal Head Vodka and the picture of a hobo behind John Hodgman. That's the kind of detail you just won't get in other flash-based games that aren't based on the Jordan, Jesse, Go! podcast.

Now, I'm not saying this game is the next 'The Force Unleashed' or anything. Heck, it's not even the next 'Shadows of the Empire'. For one, both of those are Star Wars games, and this is based on a podcast. And it's in public beta at the moment. Still, there's worse things you could be doing with your time. Trust me.

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Holiday weekend no-nos

I love the predictability of local news during the runup to the July 4th weekend. You'll always hear the same stories / advice:

1. Don't shoot off your own fireworks - it's illegal / too dry out!

2. It'll be hot, so stay cool!

2a. Turn on your air conditioners, old people, or else go someplace like the mall that's already air conditioned!

3. Boat safety!

4. Grill safety!

5. Grilling while boating safety!

6. Watch the kids while they're swimming!

7. Don't shoot your guns into the air! It's illegal / too dry out! (What we really mean: you're in America now, not your horrible homeland where that behavior is tolerated.)

You might even get a mention of the "summer driving season" and hear complaints about gas prices. Doesn't matter what the price is, if you take a camera crew to a gas station, within 5 minutes you can find someone to complain.

Either this is important information that we need to have drilled into our skulls year after year, or it's the result of a lazy news media during a typically slow part of the news year. If it's the former, can we find less obnoxious ways of communicating this to the people that need to know it? (Incidentally, how many times do we need to tell people not to do something that's already illegal?) If it's the latter, and we really don't need to add this "advice" to the background noise of our daily lives, let's agree to pick a grade when kids need to learn this, and do it then. That way the grownups can avoid having someone advise them to stay cool when it's hot outside.

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