Art imitates Bart

Back in 2007, I coined a new (at least as far as people writing things on the internet is concerned) phrase: "Darth Vader Crossing the Delaware".

This isn't the first time I've made history. I'm about to do it again. Last week, I made a nice little bon mot, and after about 5 minutes of asking "who was that guy that wrote Swimming to Cambodia, or Walking to Cambodia, or whatever the hell that was?" and finding out the answer was Spalding Gray, I boldly declared "I'm the Spalding Gray of this shit." My little shout-out to the late grate O.D.B. Obviously, it would have been way more awesome if I'd have remembered his name right away. And yes, if you're wondering, per Google, I'm the first person ever to write that phrase on the internet.

Back to Darth Vader Crossing the Delaware. I coined the phrase in early 2007. In July of 2008, a web site ran a contest to encourage people to combine Star Wars with great works of art. Guess what one of the entries was?

Oh snap. It is Darth f-ing Vader crossing the mother f-ing Delaware. Sometimes life imitates art, but now art is clearly imitating Bart.

Here's some of the other ones I enjoyed. This was was kind of obvious:

 

No, not Padme!

 

This one makes me laugh every time: Jabba the Lutheran.

 

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Who watches the Watchmen?

I watch the Watchmen! Along with ol' pal Lt. Kevin.

We decided this was one flick that was worthy of IMAX, so like all good things (such as a fine bottle of wine, or sex before marriage, or a particularly virile pustule), we decided that waiting to do it right would make it even more meaningful. So last night we IMAX'd the everlovin' hell out of the Watchmen, and boy was it worth it. You feel the thuds of head against brick; you can hear the blood splashing.

Actually, that level of hi-def is a mixed bag. Incredibly detailed girl-nipples: good. Incredibly detailed man-ass (or glowing blue man-dong): not so good. For me at least. There'll be plenty of ladies clamoring to see the glowing blue man-dong.

Mrs. Bart was supposed to join us, but she had some lame excuse. Furthering her education, or some such B.S. Good news: we'll be watching the Watchmen this weekend. Probably in standard-def, though.

Here's my conundrum. I thought the movie's title sequence was ridiculously, stupendously awesome. Like, in the original sense of the word, in that it filled me with awe. The filmmaker took a crapload of back story and you're like, yeah, I get an idea of where they're coming from. Mmm, that's good alternate history.

Back to the conundrum. The title sequence was so good, that I'm tempted to show it to Mrs. Bart. No, to make her watch it. Like, bitch, I'm propping your eyes open, Clockwork Orange-style, and you're taking this shit in. However, knowing Mrs. Bart, there's an 80% likelihood that doing that will cause her to (a) say she's changed her mind about seeing the movie, or (b) say she's disappointed with the rest of the movie, because it wasn't exactly like the title sequence. I think that after the movie she'll enjoy a good title sequence re-watch, but prior to, taken out of context, she might not dig it like I think she should. (The nerve.)

I do have one gripe with the movie. The more Adrian Veidt was talking, I had to wonder: is he supposed to have a faint trace of some kind of accent? Or is that a really subtle gay lisp? I felt like the inflection was fluctuating a little in the denouement. I guess I'll pay more attention during the second watching.

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Gettin' limoncelloey wit' it

Last weekend we went out to eat with some friends at Buca di Beppo. It's pretty good Italian food, but the cool part is when you book the kitchen table - it's a circular booth in the kitchen, and you get to see all the dishes coming out. And the smells. My god, the smells! It's like a show. At one point, a good dozen plates of fried calamari were lined up.

From a previous visit, I knew that limoncello was a dessert item, and I joked with one of the other people htere that we would definitely need some of that. It's not a Bart classic, but in the realm of liqueurs it's one that I don't mind.

Well, we get to the restaurant, I open up the menu, and what do I see looking back at me?

 

Danny mother-effing DeVito brand limoncello. WTF!?

I started laughing, remembering discussing his limoncello-fueled appearance on The View a few years ago. While discussing the drink and the appearance with Mrs. Bart, the question came up: which came first, the DeVito-branded limoncello or the limoncello-fueled appearance on the View?

Mrs. Bart thought that showing up drunk would be an interesting way to promote the drink. I thought it would be way more clever if an innovative drink maker saw the appearance and thought, hey, we just found our limoncello mascot.

Turns out it was the latter. A clever-ass guy decided to use DeVito to hawk his lemon-flavored alcoholic wares. And you know what? It was good. There may be better limoncellos out there, but only one will have a place in my freezer: Danny DeVito Limoncello.

Although rival limoncello producers are welcome to get in touch so I can make an informed decision.

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Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

You people know I can't stay up late, so I need your help to become aware of awesomeness like this:



Let's stay on the ball next time, OK?

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T-shirt support

I previously wrote about my support for and enjoyment of The Sound of Young America. With Adam Carolla's new podcast clocking in at under an hour (although I'm just happy his nasally drone is still entering my skull on a daily basis), I had to find another show to bridge the gap in my drive-time. In fact, I found two weekly shows: The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons, which is nominally about sports, although when he gets people like the Mad Men guy, and Jimmy Kimmel, and Joel McHale, I'm down with that; and Jordan, Jesse, Go! from the makers of TSOYA.

In truth, I've been listening to a LOT of JJG. So much so that I'm seriously considering buying the "best of" album from 'The Free Design', whose song (Love You) serves as the podcast's theme music. It's bizarrely soothing.

So here's my conundrum: for one week only, a JJG t-shirt is on sale. I like the show... but do I like it enough to want to wear its t-shirt? I mean, it's cool to hear Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart, say "fuck" on a regular basis, since he has such a good radio voice. (I now get to hear Adam Carolla say "fuck" as well, but again, in his standard nasally drone.) But I'm not sure that particular aspect of my enjoyment would be suitably reflected in the t-shirt design.

Besides, for that kind of quan, I could get a pretty awesome Wil Wheaton-designed t-shirt from shirt.woot. Although, does Wil Wheaton really need my cash? Between Stand by Me and Toy Soldiers, he must be living large off of residual checks. Not to mention V/O work from The Secret of NIMH, which if you ask me is an insanely underrated animated flick.

So, in the spirit of JJG's action items, here's one for you, dear readers: take a look at the t-shirts, and tell me which one you'd rather see me in. Or should I be the first person ever to get a This Man Must Be Stopped t-shirt? Dark horse entry in the t-shirt race!

And someone get me NIMH on DVD.

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The racist Mr. Carter Chambers

Here's something I'm not proud of: I saw The Bucket List over the holidays.

For those that haven't seen this movie, count yourself lucky that the limited exposure you will get in this blog post is all you need subject yourself to. I am assuming, however, that you saw the trailers & commercials for the flick when it came out, and therefore know everything you need to know about the plot.

What I want to talk to you about today is what I can only describe as the racist tendencies of Carter Chambers, the character played by Morgan Freeman.

His out-and-out racism is never stated in the movie, mind you. It might be hinted at in the script, but copies are either hard to come by, or I haven't bothered trying. Here's a sample of what the script might look like.

Interior, Hotel Room, Hong Kong. CARTER enters after a long night of hating other races.

CARTER: I'm ready to go home now.

Why am I so convinced that Carter is a racist? Because when Jack Nicholson's character hires out a whore to seduce him in Hong Kong, that whore is a mixed race (black/white) girl with an English accent. She's intelligent and engaging, and tempts Carter to the point where he barely manages to stammer out that he's married and can't partake in any whoring. (He's not supposed to know it's whoring, but he figures it out.)

Why is this racist? Consider this:

1. Estimate the number of ethnically Chinese whores in Hong Kong, or who could be quickly imported from neighboring Guangzhou or Shenzhen.

2. Estimate the number of mixed race black/white whores in Hong Kong with English accents.

Jack Nicholson's character must have gone to extraordinary lengths to procure this specific whore. Since he knows Carter well by this point in the movie, he must have figured that this was the one whore who was perfectly suited to pierce Carter's defenses. Why would Carter not be enticed by an ethnically Chinese whore? The only reason I can come up with is that he is, in fact, a racist.

Not that I blame Carter for his preference. Consider Thandie Newton and Beonce Knowles, who are ridiculously hot. And my previous post about the Jones girls. But still, to deny equal employment opportunities to a Chinese whore... that's not only racism, that's employment discrimination.

So look, save your movie-going dollars for movies that don't promote racist agendas. Stay away from The Bucket List.

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