Spending taxpayer money to tell people things they should already know

Watch this:



I will readily acknowledge that having old cowboys talking "urban" is amusing. But I have some bones to pick with TxDOT regarding this commercial:

1. You are spending taxpayer money to tell people things they should already know. To wit, that when your vehicle registration expires, you should get a new one. They help you remember by sending you a notice in the mail.

2. "Wanna be cool?" I don't need any recommendations from the State of Texas regarding being cool. Not with Governor Douchenozzle in office.

It's possible that TV stations are airing this ad gratis (part of their Public Service Announcement allotment), and that the ad conveys some useful information regarding how the money you pay for your vehicle registration is used. Although I suspect that the money doesn't go directly to infrastructure - it's probably just dumped into the state's General Fund.

Even if that is the case, it still cost taxpayer money to produce. How about, on the vehicle registration notice that is sent in the mail, the state gives a breakdown as to how the registration fee is used?

And why is it that when I renew my vehicle registration online, I'm charged a "convenience fee"? It seems like I'm conveniencing the State of Texas by reducing their processing time & costs more than they're conveniencing me.

The only way I'm OK with this commercial running is if they're not going to send out renewal notices in the mail any more. If the state expected people to know when their registration is expiring, and how to renew it. That would save the state some money.

Since that's probably not going to happen, let me just say this: use taxpayer money to fix roads and bridges instead of using it to produce clever ads that describe how roads and bridges are going to be fixed.

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Turkey is over: bring on the mother effing Christmas!

I gave Mrs. Bart fair warning today: the Christmas Mix is in rotation beginning tomorrow.

I do love me some Christmas season.

Contingency Plan: Twin Cities

This may seem like an unusual contingency plan, but just in case I ever have to relocate to the Twin Cities, I've picked out where I want to live. A little place called Little Canada. It's like Big Canada, but without Human Rights Tribunals for wronged religious and ethnic groups who don't have sufficient grounds to sue for libel.

What's not to like? The city news letter is Le Petit Canadien. They're proud of their French Canadian heritage and their lovely community. And it's way better than telling people you live in Minneapolis. It even has that cachet like hey, I live in Little Italy, or Little Ethiopia, or Chinatown. Except it's actually called Little Canada.

Maybe this contingency will never need to be acted on, but if it does, I'm prepared. Now to start working on my Boston, San Diego, San Francisco, Miami, Saint Louis, Chicago, Denver, Albuquerque, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Reno, Salt Lake City, Boise, Seattle, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Houston, Austin, Oklahoma City, Omaha, Kansas City, and Memphis contingency plans.

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Dipping into the well

It's an admittedly short list, but something I'm enjoying from the heretofore-non-existent "Office of the President Elect" are the announcements of various personnel that The One intends to appoint to various positions. I'm enjoying it because with each announcement, Obizzle-for-shizzle is dipping farther into the well. What well? The well of Democratic political talent.

And as a reminder, I voted for Barack twice in the Texas primary, which was a significantly greater expenditure of calories than voting in the general election, so I can call him Obizzle-for-shizzle, or whatever I feel like. This ain't Canada.

At the beginning of W's administration, it seemed like he was drafting every Republican governor in the country into some facet of his administration. I was thinking, is it worth removing a Republican governor from New Jersey to have her head a do-nothing agency like the EPA? I got concerned that the Republican establishment was getting too shaken up.

Well, now it's happening to the Democratics. Rahm, get outta the House! Barack, Biden, H.R. Clinton, and probably more to come, vacate the hell outta your Senate seats! Crazy chick running Arizona, come on down!

It's exciting to see things shaken up after a long period of not... shaken-up-ed-ness. This essentially creates a bunch of non-incumbent Senate, House, and Gubernatorial seats that will be up for grabs in the next two years. Maybe that's the reason why the party in the White House tends to lose seats in Congress during their first mid-term election: a lot of incumbents have left their seats to serve in the administration.

And we'll finally get to see how H.R. Clinton-stuff performs in an executive setting. Maybe I'm all wrong about her, and she'll be awesome. Maybe she's the change we deserve. Or maybe I'm right, and she's going to implode. Either way, we'll get some answers.

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Stealth retard

Remember how Mrs. Bart got all perturbed that I was laughing my ass off at the Simpsons movie?

While catching up on some 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia', I got a feel for why she might have been so mad. This is when Sweet Dee figures out she's dating a retarded guy:



After watching the episode, it occurred to me that Mrs. Bart saw me laughing like this regarded guy and thought, holy crap, my husband's a stealth retard. Sure, he can hold down a job, dress himself most days, and feed himself when needed. But put him in front of a cartoon and he goes out of his mind.

Sorry, Mrs. Bart.

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When you just need more

When I saw this on the Dallas Morning News' website, I knew this was another great moment in local news:

Because let's say that you'd seen the "edited-for-TV" interview with the guy accused of stealing back his cat, but you wonder what the elite liberal media left out. You're in luck! Now you can see the raw, unedited interview. In all its crazy-old-man glory.

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Bad holiday terminology

The holiday season comes complete with its own bad terminology. I got a taste recently: references to the Thanksgiving dinner as a "feast".

This rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's because the term "feast" implies a level of gluttony that I'm not willing to own up to. Or maybe it's because, despite Thanksgiving involving a lot of food, when I think of a feast I think of an enormous wooden table in a stone hall, overloaded with plates of piled-high food. Real medieval harvest-time stuff. Not turkey, rolls, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and pie. If there aren't ribs involved, I have a hard time accepting the "feast" moniker.

Ah, self-aggrandizement: the slippery slope down which holiday terminology travels until every meal is a "feast" and every gathering is a "celebration" or "festivities".

Here's some more:

-I dislike references to the turkey as a "bird" (not specific enough) or a "Tom Turkey" (possibly too specific).

-I'm generally annoyed with pies, except pecan pies. Maybe it's the nutmeg in all the other pies. Or maybe it's because the pecan pie is mankind's greatest dessert-related achievement.

-Anyone who claims to enjoy wassail is a liar and an instant suspect in child abductions. Maybe not the abductions, but I still think wassail-adulation is purely an affectation.

Imagine what I'd be complaining about if I was anti-holidays ;)

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Hometown tourism

Every now and then, the call goes out: be a tourist in your own home town!

-Gas prices going up? Save money by being a tourist in your own home town!

-Local economy going lagging? Stimulate it by being a tourist in your own home town!

-Most of your city's population displaced by a hurricane? Make up for lagging tourism by being a tourist in your own home town!

This idea has some merit. Most cities have interesting sights and activities that only a small percentage of the local population go to. Undiscovered treasures right in your back yard, if you will. So take more advantage of local opportunities - think like a tourist.

This idea has its drawbacks as well. Most tourism strategies are based on a simple principle: wring as much money out of tourists as possible. Rental cars and hotel rooms even have special "tourism" taxes. When a city builds a new sports arena or convention center, the funding usually comes from those special taxes. Is this really the message you want to send to the citizenry?

Tax revenues down? Encourage your citizens to be tourists in their own home town! Leave that car at home for the weekend and rent something new! Stay at a hotel! Pay to go into a museum! Feed the parking meters!

I view tourism as an intrusive activity. People walk around and look at things, rather than drive past them. People take pictures, stand in front of things so their pictures can be taken, etc. If you're a tourist, you have a great excuse for this kind of behavior: you're engaging in tourism. If you're a local and you're doing this stuff, you're probably destined for a terror watch-list. You're not being touristy, you're surveilling and casing. And I'm not sure if a cop is going to buy "but they want me to be a tourist in my own home town!" as a valid excuse.

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Halloween wrap-up

There was so much excitement going on at Halloween, I forgot to document it for you, dear reader.

First item of note: Mrs. Bart and I went to an adult-style Halloween party the weekend prior. We decided to dress as "sick" people. In the interest of marital harmony, I will only show my picture:

Fortunately it required some makeup to make me look this godawful. Seriously, people were asking me during the party, "Are you really sick? You look terrible!" Mrs. Bart even concocted some sterile snot-like substance in the lab that I carried around in a pump dispenser in my pocket. Fake sneezes = big fun.

On Halloween itself, things got a little interesting:

If you know us at all and have any sense whatsoever, you are probably wondering what kind of maniac would hand over a perfectly good toddler to Mrs. Bart at any time of the year, much less a time of year when they get dressed up and trotted out in public. Never mind the details: suffice it to say that the child eventually was taken trick-or-treating and was ridiculously adorable the whole time.

On the home front, we made the bold move of offering Play-Doh brand Play-Doh as our "treats". All the kids seemed enthusiastic, which I took as a good sign.

At one point, I answered the door and amongst the youngsters at the door was a girl of indeterminate age - probably somewhere in the early grade school years. I really have a hard time telling. Anyways, apropos of nothing, she says, "Wow, you have a great house!" I later told this story to Mrs. Bart, and we came to the conclusion that one of the following statements is true regarding this young lady:

1. She is easily impressed.

2. Her mother taught her to always say that to someone the first time she goes to their house. It's good old-fashioned politeness.

We decided it was probably #2, although occasionally I hold out hope that it was #1.

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Tavern culture

Baltimore, or at least the "good" part of Baltimore, has a thriving tavern culture. It's alien to me, but I like it.

Here's the setup: picture a tiny bar in an ancient building. The drink-only patrons hang around the bar itself, and there are four or five tables in the back or along the walls. In Texas, the bar would serve nasty-ass nachos and fried cheese. In Baltimore, they serve honest-to-God gourmet food.

Granted, we only went to highly rated places where we knew the food would be good. But not in a million years would I have looked at these places, inside or out, and figured that they served quality vittles, much less top-notch eats.

Plus, it's actually in a bar. So they had interesting / unusual beers. There's a local microbrewery that has a whole line of pirate-themed beers. I only had the Loose Cannon, but it was tasty-tastic.

Overall, however, it's probably better that I don't live in a tavern culture-area. I'd be drinking more and eating richer foods. Sure, I'd be walking several extra miles a day since there's no parking, but I don't think the increased exercise would outweigh the additional calories.

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I assure you I am in Baltimore

I can now provide photographic evidence of my presence in the borough of Baltimore, in the Mary's Land colony of the East:

Behold the Camden yards, home of the Baltimore Orange Stockings baseballer franchise!

Behold the statue of the some-time demi-god of the Orange Stockings, Babe Ruth!

Further behold the inexplicable statue of Pope John Paul II in front of the First Unitarian Church of Baltimore!

I am hard-pressed to determine what further evidence you might require of my presence in Baltimore, except perhaps to say:

BEHOLD URBAN BLIGHT!

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Although I can offer no proof, let me inform you that I am in Baltimore

More to come later.

Overestimating the electorate

I was reading a story about the kinds of "dirty tricks" that Republicans try to pull. Most of these seem to involve discouraging voter turnout. Incidentally, from what I could tell, the only "dirty trick" that Democrats pull is fraudulent voting. I have to admire that kind of singularity of purpose.

Per the article, here's some ways to discourage voter turnout.

1. Tell people that Republicans vote on Tuesday, and Democrats on Wednesday.

2. Tell people that they have to bring proof of citizenship.

3. Tell people that if they have any outstanding warrants, they will be arrested if they try to vote.

4. Tell people that their polling place has moved, or that voting is "canceled".

5. Tell people they have to have a photo ID to vote. (Why they really don't have to is beyond me.)

These sound made up, right? Who could possibly fall for any of these "dirty tricks"? I thought that until I heard the news this morning. There were multiple reports of people calling their local police departments to find out where they were supposed to vote.

Think about that for a minute. There are people that think it's a good idea to call the police to figure out where their polling place is. Before that time, I never would have thought that the American people were that dumb. It looks like I have been overestimating the electorate. You people that call the police, you people that fall for one of those "dirty tricks" listed above? You haven't earned the right to vote. Leave it to people who have two brain cells to rub together.

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Simple way for foreigners to participate in American elections

Mrs. Bart asked me yesterday why I continue to read MSNBC.com when it usually ends up making me angry. Maybe it's like a scab you keep picking at, or a hair you keep pulling at until it comes out. Or maybe, once I've read all the legitimate journalism, I like to descend to the tabloid level without visiting the Enquirer.

At any rate, MSNBC.com still does not disappoint, in that it continues to disappoint. Here's a nice story about the rest of the world reminding us Americans that they have as much of a stake in our Presidential election as we do.

I have two thoughts about this. First, if America's Presidential election is as big a deal to you (foreigners) as it is to us (Americans), perhaps you (foreigners) need to get your shit in order. For that matter, anyone (American or foreigner) who is counting on either John McCain or Barack Obama (and I think we see which way this one is going) to make any kind of meaningful change in their lives is going to be sorely disappointed.

Hey, Israel / Palestine? The new president will make some efforts to broker a peace deal, but they will be short-lived because some a-hole on one side or another is going to start throwing rocks or bullets again. Ultimately he'll say "we tried our best". And in 40 years, the news will still start off with "Trouble in the Middle East", the same way it did 40 years ago. Maybe you guys should try knocking it off first.

Hey, Mexico? You're worried about the state of the U.S. economy so that you can keep up your remittances? How about you try to clean up the rampant corruption, crime, and anti-business atmosphere in your own country so we don't matter to you as much?

Hey, Pakistan? Maybe if you took out some terrorists, we wouldn't have to cross your border. Because no President is going to risk looking soft by telling the troops to pull up short at the border.

Hey, Cuba? We're going to keep up the embargo until you get all freedom-y. Because no politician wants to lose the Cuban vote in Florida.

Second, to the guy in London who said "I really wish we could vote in your election — after all, it affects all of us, you know." Good news! Now you can vote in our election, and it only takes four easy steps.

Step 1: Earn a doctorate degree in engineering or one of the sciences. No social sciences, please. This will help you accomplish the next step.

Step 2: Find a job in the U.S., and get a visa that allows you to live and work here.

Step 3: After living in the U.S. for a while, apply to become a citizen. Get sworn in. Turn in your old passport.

Step 4: Register to vote. Vote in the next election.

It simply couldn't be easier!

Of course, you could just come to the U.S., steal the identity of someone who's registered to vote but is recently deceased, and cast a ballot for them. That would count just as much and take much less time and effort.

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Civic dumb-ass does her civic duty

If you were doing a gag about a dumb-ass beauty pageant contestant, when you came to the question-and-answer portion of the pageant, you would probably say that you wanted to save the environment and bring about world peace.

Now, given my devotion to less-than-thorough research, I don't know what the current Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, has targeted as the focal point of her reign. (Incidentally, was there ever a name more suggestive of a beauty pageant contestant or a stripper than Crystle?) However, let's hope it wasn't the environment. I could barely get past the first two paragraphs of this story on MSNBC.com:

The reigning Miss USA Crystle Stewart is going back home to Texas to vote in Tuesday's presidential election because her employer, the Miss Universe Organization, gave her time off.

For three days, she'll be away from New York, where her duties as Miss USA — everything from charitable work to attending lavish galas in the evenings — will be put on hold while she does her civic duty.

First, I want to know how we're supposed to go on as a country with Miss USA out of action for 3 days. Does the runner-up step in as Acting Miss USA?

Second, and most importantly, she's flying from New York to Texas to vote?

If you're a regular reader, you know that I'm no environmental nut-job. Despite the Prius. And the electric lawnmower. And the compost pile. And the recycling. For those of you who are new to the blog, you'll just have to take my word for it.

So even I, who have some eco-sense but am not militant about it, can barely believe that our Miss USA has never heard of an absentee ballot.

Again, laziness is hindering me from doing this calculation, but try to picture the carbon footprint of Miss USA taking a cab to JFK or La Guardia, getting on a plane to Texas, and driving to her final destination. Now picture the carbon footprint of her submitting a request for an absentee ballot through the mail, receiving it in the mail, voting on the form, and returning it in the mail. That's like three letters vs. cabs and a commercial plane flight. No contest.

Not to mention the opportunity cost of standing in line for hours to vote. Early voting took me an hour this year, and I think I'm going to go with an absentee ballot next time to save the effort. And that only involves a car trip from home or work to the polling place - no plane rides or helicopter flights for me.

Some of you might say that maybe it's important for Miss USA to be seen voting, and have her picture taken, so she can be a positive role-model for all the lady voters out there. I say poppycock. It's more important that everyone does the right thing. If pictures must be taken, let them be taken of her voting absentee. It can be like when the President signs a bill - he uses a lot of different pens, and then those pens are presented to people who worked on the bill. She could use a bunch of Miss USA pens to fill out the absentee ballot, and then pass them out or sell them on eBay. There have to be freaks that want that sort of crap.

Or here's a radical idea: Miss USA could change her voter registration to New York while she's living there to be Miss USA. She'll probably have to file New York state income taxes on her Miss USA income, so changing her registration isn't going to cause her any extra heartburn. Then she can vote in person all she wants.

I know the article was about employers giving their employees time off to vote, but if this is the example we should all be following, then free enterprise in America is doomed. Hey, Bart's employer, guess what? I just registered to vote in San Francisco. Better fly me out there for a week so I can do my "civic duty". Civic dumb-ass, more like.

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