Civic dumb-ass does her civic duty

If you were doing a gag about a dumb-ass beauty pageant contestant, when you came to the question-and-answer portion of the pageant, you would probably say that you wanted to save the environment and bring about world peace.

Now, given my devotion to less-than-thorough research, I don't know what the current Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, has targeted as the focal point of her reign. (Incidentally, was there ever a name more suggestive of a beauty pageant contestant or a stripper than Crystle?) However, let's hope it wasn't the environment. I could barely get past the first two paragraphs of this story on MSNBC.com:

The reigning Miss USA Crystle Stewart is going back home to Texas to vote in Tuesday's presidential election because her employer, the Miss Universe Organization, gave her time off.

For three days, she'll be away from New York, where her duties as Miss USA — everything from charitable work to attending lavish galas in the evenings — will be put on hold while she does her civic duty.

First, I want to know how we're supposed to go on as a country with Miss USA out of action for 3 days. Does the runner-up step in as Acting Miss USA?

Second, and most importantly, she's flying from New York to Texas to vote?

If you're a regular reader, you know that I'm no environmental nut-job. Despite the Prius. And the electric lawnmower. And the compost pile. And the recycling. For those of you who are new to the blog, you'll just have to take my word for it.

So even I, who have some eco-sense but am not militant about it, can barely believe that our Miss USA has never heard of an absentee ballot.

Again, laziness is hindering me from doing this calculation, but try to picture the carbon footprint of Miss USA taking a cab to JFK or La Guardia, getting on a plane to Texas, and driving to her final destination. Now picture the carbon footprint of her submitting a request for an absentee ballot through the mail, receiving it in the mail, voting on the form, and returning it in the mail. That's like three letters vs. cabs and a commercial plane flight. No contest.

Not to mention the opportunity cost of standing in line for hours to vote. Early voting took me an hour this year, and I think I'm going to go with an absentee ballot next time to save the effort. And that only involves a car trip from home or work to the polling place - no plane rides or helicopter flights for me.

Some of you might say that maybe it's important for Miss USA to be seen voting, and have her picture taken, so she can be a positive role-model for all the lady voters out there. I say poppycock. It's more important that everyone does the right thing. If pictures must be taken, let them be taken of her voting absentee. It can be like when the President signs a bill - he uses a lot of different pens, and then those pens are presented to people who worked on the bill. She could use a bunch of Miss USA pens to fill out the absentee ballot, and then pass them out or sell them on eBay. There have to be freaks that want that sort of crap.

Or here's a radical idea: Miss USA could change her voter registration to New York while she's living there to be Miss USA. She'll probably have to file New York state income taxes on her Miss USA income, so changing her registration isn't going to cause her any extra heartburn. Then she can vote in person all she wants.

I know the article was about employers giving their employees time off to vote, but if this is the example we should all be following, then free enterprise in America is doomed. Hey, Bart's employer, guess what? I just registered to vote in San Francisco. Better fly me out there for a week so I can do my "civic duty". Civic dumb-ass, more like.

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